• Sun, Sep 9 2012

Jessica Simpson Is Rocking A Hobo Look So We Can’t Tell How Much Weight She Has Or Hasn’t Lost

And this picture isn’t even current; it’s from last year, before she had the baby. Can you deal with that?!?

When I first heard how much weight new mom Jessica Simpson had to lose for her deal with Weight Watchers I was like, “Oh damn, girl, I hope you have another baby in there in addition to Maxwell Drew to pop out, otherwise I don’t see this happening.” But she also has a personal trainer and a significant amount of money riding on the results, so it’s possible that homegirl can bang this out. She’s been pretty under-the-radar of late, presumably spending most of her time on various forms of exercise apparatus and ingesting large quantities of wheat germ and quinoa. But she’s due to reveal her ‘new body’ on Katie Couric‘s show this week, so if we just look at some pictures of her, we should be able to get a pretty good idea of where she’s at, right?

Wrong. Jessica has been rocking the always fashionable ‘hobo-chic’ look, layering on tons of clothing  and clutching large bags in front of herself so the paparazzi can’t get a good idea of her body. Yeah, I see you, Jess. You makin’ shabby look cool again. But I want to know how much she’s lost and I don’t want to wait until the show to find out!

This is kind of a shitty situation for everyone involved, though, right? (Right!) If Jessica hasn’t lost a ton of weight, everyone’s gonna be on her about failing to do something that’s difficult in normal life, but even more difficult with a newborn. But if she has lost a ton of weight, everyone will just say, “Yeah, well if I had a personal trainer, a nanny, no job, and millions of dollars riding on it, I could lose the weight too.” And to be perfectly honest, I can’t say that I wouldn’t agree. I’d love to have the financial security to quit my job(s) and hire a personal trainer. Someone to inform me that just wearing my athletic clothes while I lounge around the apartment does not a workout make. Maybe I could get a nutritionist, too, except he or she would probably just tell me that eating a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s is not acceptable in an adult human, even if it is the new Greek yogurt kind. And I don’t need to hear that shit.

I guess what I’m saying is I’m hoping for the best for Jessica, but let’s all bear in mind that the bitch did just have a baby four months ago, so we could take it a little easy. But you know what? She signed up for this endorsement deal herself, so have it, haters. Meanwhile, I’m going to carbo-load for the marathon I’m about to run in my brain.

(Image: Three Kings / WENN.com)

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