Miley Cyrus is having a busy news week, as a man was arrested on her property last night armed with a pair of scissors. The man, Jason Luis Rivera, had hopped her fence and was roaming the property, saying he wanted to see the singer. The police were called by someone who wasn’t Miley, as she was home, and the guy was quickly arrested. So that’s a relief. We’re glad no one was hurt.
But let’s just look at the facts for a second. What have all the news outlets been talking about for like…three weeks? Miley’s hair. And what was this guy carrying when he got arrested? Scissors. It’s no less scary, but this Jason Rivera guy was probably just a deranged hairdresser trying to give Miley a hot new haircut that would get everyone talking. He was gonna creep in while she slept and delicately snip the strands into his trademark mullet, and then steal away into the darkness. When she woke up, she’d be like, “Who gave me this fabulous haircut?!?” And there would be a worldwide search, like with Cinderella except instead of looking for the foot that fit the glass slipper, she’d be looking for the hand that fit the magic scissors. And then they’d finally find Jason Rivera, and he’d be so appreciative and humble, and with all the extra publicity and his new BFF relationship with Miley, he could open his own business called ‘Secret Snips’ where he sneaks into celebrity bedrooms and gives them secret, unsolicited makeovers while they’re sleeping. It makes perfect sense!
But in all seriousness, this is super scary, and we’re really glad that Miley’s okay and that this guy is behind bars. I can’t imagine how terrified I would be if someone showed up at my house with a weapon just because he wanted to see me. That said, someone should totally start ‘Secret Snips’. I smell a franchise.