My Secret Dream Of Having A Threesome With Amy Poehler And Will Arnett Is Officially Destroyed

Life isn’t fair, you guys. Know how I know this? Because when I was a kid, everyone told me to follow my dreams, but now I’m an adult and I just found out that one of the secret wishes and dreams that I’d planned for my future will never come true. And you know why? Because Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are getting a divorce.

Let me explain. I’m a pretty traditional girl, when it comes to relationships. (Start out dating assholes and trying to change them, then slowly transition to nice guys who you accidentally mistreat because you’re used to assholes, and then settle into a life of dedicated singledom until everyone around you gets tired of the casual hook-up…right?) I’m no virgin, but there are a couple things that I’ve sort of decided that I’m saving for marriage. But not my marriage. Amy and Will’s marriage.

Have you ever heard of a ‘throuple’? It’s a three-person, loving relationship that’s kind of like a threesome, but long-term. If you saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona, you know what I’m talking about. It’s super unconventional, but I’ve read several articles that suggest they happen occasionally, and I’d kiiiiiinda planned on being in one with Will and Amy. You see, whenever I’d rewatch episodes of Arrested Development I’d fall hard for Will, but then I’d see Amy on Parks and Recreation and my heart would go all aflutter and I’d decide she was my favorite, again. I want to be clear that I’m not a lesbian, but Amy Poehler is one of those women so awesome that she defies my own sexual preferences. She’s like a lady version of a superfood. She’s the quinoa of women.

They each were independently so awesome that I couldn’t decide between the two of them which one I’d rather date. Luckily, as an American, I’ve learned I never have to choose between two options. I’ll take both, like at a  Taco Bell / Pizza Hut combination store. “One meat pizza and one fish taco, please, and a glass of your finest Snapple.”

And I’m not talking just about the raunchy stuff. This isn’t just about sex, okay?!? I wanted a chance to be a part of their everyday lives, which seem so laid-back and awesome and hilarious. Even the names of their two sons — Archie and Abel — made me feel sure that I was doing the right thing in dreaming about our lives together. Blissful throupledom seemed just a chance meeting at Upright Citizens Brigade away.

And then, tragedy struck. They broke up. You know that saying that says you can’t lose what you never had? Well it’s wrong. Because I never fulfilled my American dream of throupling with the two funniest people on TV, but I feel the pain of losing it just the same. Because there are reminders everywhere. A song comes on the radio and I think, “This is the ballad I was going to use to sing Will and Amy to sleep as we all drifted off in our three person poster bed.” I rearrange my massive doll collection and think, “This is the massive doll collection that I was going to keep secret from them until they learned to love me and then I was going to reveal it.” I try on a new pair of skinny jeans at Urban Outfitters and think, “This moment doesn’t remind me of Will and Amy at all. But I’m still sad.”

But as devastated as I am, we have to find the positivity in this, so we can go on living. I never got the chance to be in the throuple of my dreams, but you still could! So get out there and grab Michelle Williams and Jason Segel by the scruffs of their necks and make them love you!

I guess it just goes to show you: treat every day like it’s Amy and Will’s last as a couple. Because yesterday was.

(Image: C. Smith / WENN.com)

Share This Post: