All hell breaks loose tomorrow when Kristen Stewart attends the Toronto Film Festival premiere of On The Road. Yes, the same Kristen Stewart who destroyed our lives by cheating on Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders. The very same Kristen Stewart who got cheating in broad daylight on a suburban street with a married man. And the same Kristen Stewart who sat down with a marketing team and figured out how to use her personal life to build up hype for On The Road.
Movies don’t just sell themselves. But scandals do.
Yes, the publicity stunt marches on triumphantly as the media prepares to cover this premiere from every single possible angle. Never before in the history of journalism have we been so excited to overanalyze every photo and every quote that comes from a premiere. No gesture’s too small and no quote’s too vague when it comes to creating headlines.
Now I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I’m 99.3% confident that you’ll see the following headlines tomorrow. Mostly because we’ve already pre-written all these stories.
Kristen Stewart Doesn’t Smile at On The Road Premiere, Missing Robert Pattinson, Regretting Cheating, Hating Life
Robert Pattinson Goes Food Shopping in L.A, Refuses to Let Kristen Stewart Ruin His Day
Liberty Ross Accidentally Flashes Paparazzi on Their Lunch Break, Claims She Didn’t See Them There, Even Though She Was Parked Outside The National Enquirer Headquarters
Kristen Stewart’s Parents So Moved By Their Daughter’s Bravery That They Get Back Together
On Second Thought, Kristen Stewart’s Parents Remember They Hate Each Other And Get Divorced Again, Kristen Stewart Inconsolable
Kristen Stewart Speaks To Reporters On Red Carpet, Has She No Shame For What She’s Done? Experts Weight In on What This Means
Kristen Stewart Barely Fits Into Dress, Pregnant?
Kristen Stewart is Skin And Bones, Robert Pattinson Secretly Texts Her Telling Her To Eat
Jodie Foster Insists On Being Kristen Stewart’s Plus One to the Premiere, Making Almost Everyone Uncomfortable
Kristen Stewart Wears Converse Sneakers To Premiere, Rupert Sanders Once Wore Converse Sneakers…Is It A Secret Sign That She Wants to be With Him?
Chris Hemsworth Doesn’t Attend On The Road Premiere, Is He Still Angry At Kristen Stewart For Ruining, Um EVERYTHING!?
Kristen Stewart Smiles at On The Road After Party, Proving That She Cheated On Purpose
Kristen Stewart Reveals Actual Vampire Past, Sucks The Media’s Blood Before The Movie Even Begins — Media Livetweets Blood Sucking As It Happens to Them
Miley Cyrus Gets Extensions!!!
(Photo: Celeb Magnet)