People Cover Proves That Snooki Is Already Using Baby Lorenzo Like Her Personal ATM Card

Guess the bar in Snooki’s womb threw a 2-for-1 closing special on the night Baby Lorenzo Dominic LaValle decided to enter the world. Otherwise I don’t know how else to explain why the kid looks completely wasted in his first ever photo shoot for People.

I know he’s only a few days old, but you’d think he’d recognize the significance of being photographed for a cover by now. The fact that he didn’t even open his eyes horrifies me. It’s like he’s not even thinking about his future career as a famous celebrity child.

I suppose we’re supposed to be grateful he put on shoes, but frankly that’s just not enough these days for newborns. You gotta bedazzle a few more accessories to impress us.

Is it so much to ask for that Snooki pop him in a tanning bed for a few minutes before his debut into the world? Or at the very least give him a rundown on proper interview etiquette. Does he even know what GTL means? Does he understand that the cancellation of Jersey Shore means he’s now more valubale to Snooki than ever.

Lorenzo’s the personal ATM card for an endless bank account that she never thought she would have. All she has to do to receive instant cash is swipe him in front of a few photographers. But he’ll be declined if he keeps up with this attitude. Newborn baby or not, he’s got to pull it together.

If he wants to be the child candidly photographed at playgrounds, play dates and liquor stores, he has to start taking this more seriously. Stop doing jager bombs on birth canal road and start wearing pants with zippers. Onesies are for babies with playgroups, not for babies with endorsement deals.

Snooki’s entire career rests on her properly using this baby to her own advantage — and I just hope she has the right PR strategy set up for Lorenzo  to make it happen.

 

 

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