• Wed, Sep 5 2012

I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Courtney Stodden That Playboy Wants Nothing To Do With You

I don’t feel sorry for you, Courtney Stodden, for turning 18 years old and having a bevy of porn offers but none from Playboy. In fact, according to some sources, Playboy is specifically not interested in having your slightly agape mouth grace its pages because you look “too enhanced.” Now, I’ve seen a Playboy or two. And I don’t know what constitutes “too enhanced” for them, but I can only imagine that you have a third arm surgically attached to your lower back as a tail-like appendage to qualify as “too enhanced.”

But whatever the reason they have not approached you, I know you must be disappointed. I mean isn’t it every little girl’s dream to wake up at 18 and have gotten into their first choice college get an offer to appear in Playboy? And poor little Courtney-poo didn’t get that!

And yet, I still don’t feel sorry for you.

You have built a career on taking nearly-naked pictures of yourself in a variety of seductive/drugged-looking poses. What do you need Playboy for? In today’s digital era, you don’t need a silly little magazine when you have a video of you channeling Marilyn Monroe out there. (Also, we need to talk about how you put on lipstick. That is not how.)

Besides, you’ve got to be super busy. I don’t even know how you’d fit in the time to appear in Playboy because, according to your Twitter account, you’re a “Model, Singer, Actress, Reality Star, Animal Activist, Hostess, Dancer and Doug’s girl. xxx.”

Whew! I mean, between Vogue cover shoots, singing at the VMAs, appearing in under-5’s on Grey’s Anatomy, hanging out with Sarah McLachlan to shoot those ASPCA ads, leading four-tops to their tables at TGIFridays, dancing with the Joffrey Ballet and making your famous Chicken fra Diavlo for your Doug Hutchinson, where would you find the ti—What? I’m sorry, what was that? You do none of those things? But I thought… It’s just that, according to your Twitter bio… Oh. Well, in that case why don’t you also list circus performer and leader of world peace? …Oh. They wouldn’t fit. Gotcha.

Okay, so maybe you do have the time for a Playboy photo shoot or two in between tapings of Couples Therapy and tweeting. But honey, isn’t there… anything else you want for yourself? I mean, you’ve got to have something that you’re interested in other than showing off your body? Maybe? Please?

The thing is, I worry for you. You already look and act like a 45-year-old cougar who needs to shove her tits in everyone’s face to let them know she’s still got it. What will become of you when you turn – GASP! – like 20?

I think Playboy is doing you a big solid by leaving you alone. I don’t know if you’ve had surgery or not, but the bottom line is, a lot of girls are skinny with big boobs. I’m not one of them, but I know they exist. This alone isn’t going to be a fulfilling way to define yourself. There has to be more to you!

So I suggest this. Take a long walk. Think about your passions. Now subtract “taking pictures of myself in bikinis” from that list. Is there anything left on your list? No? Okay well, maybe some day there will be. I don’t know. You might even grow to love a one-piece. The point is you can change if you want to!

Now I’ll leave you with your marabou platform mules to think about that. Courtney? Are you listening? Oh, nope. She’s doing that limp-lip face again. She’s gone for now.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME COURTNEY! I HOPE YOU HAVE SOME CLOTHES ON!… Nope. She couldn’t hear me.

(GIF: Vh1)

 

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  • Seriously

    Excellent- this was the best story yet! You nailed it on the head, in a very funny way! This woman is a joke! And, she doesn’t even have big boobs! She stuffs her bra! Can you pose with padding?

  • Big Ron

    Cool story and well written. Funny and well done.