How To Prepare For Suri Cruise’s Very First Day Of School

We can forget photos of her eating penis candy at midnight and we can throw away the hope that a optimistic tourist might spot her awaiting transportation at an exclusive helipad at night.

Nights where we’re used to reading about her forsaking her coat simply to put on a show for the paparazzi will cease to exist. At least on a school night. On a night when she has homework to complete and tutors to order around.

Perhaps it’s time to pin all our unrealistic hopes and dreams for a future full of children wearing lipstick on another child. A different celebrity child. Maybe one with parents so deeply entwined in their own marriage contract that primary school isn’t even a thought for them. Not when they’re taking their child from one continent to the next, from one glamourous movie set to another.

While I run my mind through all the current options — Zahara Jolie-Pitt, Honor Warren, Harper Seven Beckham, Violet Affleck — I can’t think of one child who’s capable of taking Suri’s place in our heart. Another child who can make us feel like nothing and everything with just one icy glare from a magazine cover.

So while we can pretend that finding a replacement’s possible, we know that it’s all for naught. That our best option isn’t to replace Suri Cruise in our own lives, but to replace her in Katie Holmes’ life.

After all, she’s going to need a new best friend. And why shouldn’t that be you or me or anyone else who can be the Suri Cruise in her life. It doesn’t take much. Just a little fashion knowledge and a nonchalant attitude about being carried around town.

(Photos: Pacific Coast News)

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