• Mon, Sep 3 2012

Guys, Russell Crowe Totally Wasn’t Lost At Sea When He Had To Be Rescued By The Coast Guard

Don’t believe everything you read, guys. Even though Russell Crowe had to be rescued by the Coast Guard after his kayaking adventure with a friend didn’t go exactly as planned, he absolutely was not lost. Lost is when you don’t know where you are, and once you’re as famous as Russell Crowe, you always know where you are. The love and affection of your adoring fans acts like a beacon, that always guides you home. Or, sometimes it guides you to Huntington Bay, even though you put your kayaks in the water at Cold Spring Harbor, which is about ten miles away. But that was not a mistake, okay?!? They did that because the sun went down, which was a completely unexpected turn of events. Usually when the sun knows that Mr. Crowe is going to be doing something adventurous that day, it stays up in the sky until the activity has been completed. I mean, come on, the guy was in Gladiator. You don’t send the sun down on that guy, just like you don’t cut the mic during the encore of a Paul McCartney concert.

But in this case, some dumb intern forgot to send the interstellar memo to the sun, and he accidentally went down early, before Russell’s adventuring was completed. So the guys pulled their boats up on shore, and even though it was dark and there were ten miles from where they were supposed to be, they still totally weren’t lost. They were adventuring. So when Russell saw the Coast Guard going by, he waved at them as if to say, “Hi! I’m a famous actor having an adventure along your Coast! Just wanted to say good job Guarding it! No need to stop and rescue me, as I am very famous and know precisely where I am!” But the Coast Guard don’t deal with a lot of famous people, so they rudely took Russell and his companion aboard their vessel and forcefully dragged them back to Cold Spring Harbor against their will. Seriously, some people are such assholes. The man in charge of the ‘rescue’, Robert Swieciki even said about the incident:

“He just needed a little bit of help, he just got a little lost. It wasn’t really a rescue, really, more of just giving someone a lift.”

Ugh, what a dick. I can’t believe you would say that about Russell Crowe, that he got lost. This was clearly a huge misunderstanding because Russell tweeted:

You hear that, Swieciki? He wasn’t lost, okay? And I hope you think very carefully about attempting to rescue anyone in the future, COAST GUARD, before you ruin someone else’s 10:00pm adventuring.

(Image: Spiller / WENN.com)

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