You guys, I have a Labor Day mystery I need solved. What we know is this: Nickelodeon star Miranda Cosgrove spent her weekend in the Bahamas. (You know, as you do when you’re famous and can afford to do more than go to the park with some wine like I did.) But all wasn’t sunshine and rainbows for our hero Miranda. While vacationing this weekend, Miranda was stung by a jellyfish, which she announced via her Twitter, saying:
“Not happy about getting stung by a jellyfish yesterday but excited to tell people at school #icebreaker”
Aha! The crime has been committed! So my question is this, gumshoes: after the injury occurred, who peed on Miranda’s jellyfish sting?
First of all, don’t try to tell me that this didn’t happen. I am an entertainment journalist, and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. It doesn’t matter to me that I recently found out that the whole ‘peeing on a jellyfish sting to stop the pain’ thing is the rudest urban legend ever created. Whether it’s true or not is not my concern. What is my concern is this deep, journalistic instinct I feel that someone peed somewhere on Miranda Cosgrove’s body. Just like any good detective, I have a hunch, and I mean to collect clues until I discover whot who and where.
So, the clues. Well, there are none, so let’s make some up. We know she was there for a concert at the Atlantis, so it was definitely someone in her band. It wouldn’t be a backup dancer, because they’re not important enough to be on the beach with Miranda. It would have to be someone close to her — a drummer or a backup singer…or a guitarist!
Think about it. They’re good with their hands, aka good at directing streams of urine wherever they want them to go. It was definitely her guitarist. Well, I’m glad we cracked that case: Miranda Cosgrove’s guitarist, who may or may not exist, definitely peed on her leg on September the 1st in the Bahamas, after his lady squire was stung by a jellyfish. Mystery solved. All in a day’s work.
Aren’t you proud of me, Dad? I just wrote a whodunnit mystery about someone peeing on iCarly.