• Fri, Aug 31 2012

Randy Jackson Is Leaving American Idol For A Career In Dawgg-Walking

When it comes to American Idol, I remember a lot of things. I remember when I used to like it, I remember when I used to watch it (not necessarily the same thing), I remember when I used to care who won…and I remember there being three judges. They were Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson, and they were scientifically the perfect hosts for the show. Simon was the ascerbic Brit who everyone loved to hate for rudely saying what the rest of us were secretly thinking, Paula was the cracked out Pomeranian who perched on top of her booster seat and praised your performance even though she didn’t like your song choice, and Randy…Randy told you how it was. He was never mad about it, but sometimes he “just wasn’t enjoying it, dawgg.” He was the perfect middle ground to balance out the polar opposites of Simon and Paula, and if he really dug your vibe, you could trust him to say so.

But now that Randy’s announced he’s leaving the show, my childhood is officially over. He was the last link to the days when people like Kelly Clarkson still won the show, and as long as he was still there, I could hold out hope that Simon and Paula would come back. Because wasn’t that the point of the show? It was like a movie you’d seen a hundred times — as soon as you saw the performance, you knew exactly what the judges were going to say, but you wanted to see it anyway. You knew that Paula was gonna clap like a trained seal, and that Simon was gonna scowl determinedly through whatever he had to say, even if it was positive. And you knew Randy probably wasn’t even gonna sit up out of his seat for you, but he had only neutral love for the things you were trying to do, dawgg.

So why you gotta do this, huh Randy? Why you gotta go away from us? Is it because all your friends are gone and you don’t want to hang out with Mariah Carey on set? Or is it because you don’t want to contribute anymore to the massive billion dollar Kickstarter fund that is Ryan Seacrest‘s pockets? Or is it because the concept of American Idol has gotten so far away from what it was that it’s not even fun to watch anymore?

…or were you just not enjoying it, dawgg?

(Image: WENN.com)

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