Talented actress and moral, upstanding citizen of the world Lindsay Lohan has done something super out-of-character: committed a crime. During her time filming the upcoming catastrophe Liz and Dick, Lindsay had been living in the swanky Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood, California. She stayed there for a total of forty-seven days in June and July, and spent a little over$46,000 on her quaint little stay at this picturesque little inn. That’s super normal, you guys. I typically spend about $1,000 a day because that’s just what I make tending my money trees every morning. I go out to see if any new money fruits have grown in the night, and if they haven’t, I just pick off a few thousand money leaves and go inside to spend it at the hotel minibar that I keep in my apartment.
So, see?! Celebrities are just like us! Or, at least, Lindsay Lohan is just like me. We as the internet have gained access to her itemized bill from her stay, so we know that Lilo does totally normal-person things like spend $100 on a candle and $686 on cigarettes. Say what you will, but this makes perfect sense. In all those financial-training classes, people always say that you should invest your money not in land or stocks or bond, but in things that you’re going to literally burn up and throw away. She also spent $3,145 on her minibar for that period of time, which is awesome, because the second law of dividends is that if you can’t burn your investment, drink it up. Those memories will be with you forever. Good job, Lindsay, you’re on the right track to a blissful and contented retirement.
So you may be wondering — how is it that we got to see this bill? Aren’t hotels supposed to be really secretive about which celebrities stay there and what they spend their money on? Well you’re right! Unless, that is, the celebrity…doesn’t pay their bill and the hotel writes them an open letter asking for the money and then tells that special, lucky celebrity that he or she is no longer welcome on the premises. And that happened to Lindsay! The smartest, luckiest, prettiest girl in the world. She got handed a bill for $46,350.04 and obviously knew she didn’t have to pay it — that’s her production company’s job for Liz and Dick! After Lindsay, wasn’t the one boozing it up and crushing a pack a day at $14 a piece…it was her production company! I can’t believe they lived in her room and did all those things under her name and now won’t cough up the money.
For some reason, the company is saying that they never agreed to pay for Lindsay’s hotel stay. Which is total bullshit, because whenever I do a feature film, they always pay for my exorbitant hotel in addition to paying me an exorbitant salary for showing up on set at all, even if I’m hungover/drunk/on coke/smoking crack/snorting weed/Lindsay Lohan.
Honestly, if this is what America is coming to, then I don’t know if I want to be an overpaid starlet anymore.