• Thu, Aug 30 2012

The Fact That Courtney Stodden Is Only 18 Is More Shocking Than The Porno Offers She’s Considering

Some newly crowned eighteen-year-olds celebrate by registering to vote, playing the lotto, or buying a pack of Pall Malls. And some eighteen-year-olds–like oh, say, Courtney Stodden–receive several offers to become a porn star because they look like a 40-year-old who doesn’t vote, plays the lotto daily, and smokes nothing but unfiltered Pall Malls in between applications of clown paint and meeting the demands of their predator/captor/AARP-qualifying husband.  Clearly in the birthday spirit, Courtney posted a typically subtle tweet about it earlier this week: “Only 2 more days until I get to blow eighteen … ummm … candles ;) xxx.”

Sigh. I digress.

To the surprise of no one, Courtney Stodden is back in the headlines as she turns 18, as she no longer has to exploit her jailbait ladybits because they’re LEGAL ladybits now. TMZ reports that four major porn companies have offered her starring roles and one even has her scripted alongside a porn star with a “million dollar penis,” which I took to mean that some schmuck’s Johnson literally performs a “money shot,” because that’s quite a moniker to live up to.

And let’s not forget about her creepster spouse, Doug Hutchison. The two of them have even been offered to star in a sexcapade based on their own real-life experience entitled Happily Humping My Hubby.  An excerpt from the script goes as follows:

“I may be young but I can s*** a d*** like a much, MUCH more experienced s***. I’ll d*** t**** it, l*** his b****, do whatever I gotta do to get that m**** l*** all on my f***.”

You know what? I’ve decided my parents owe me an apology for all of the times they were pissed off at me for absolutely asinine things when I was a teenager, like when I would accidentally rip the sticker on the lunch meat package. They used to completely LOSE THEIR SHIT when I broke the seal on the hard salami, when they should have just been happy I wasn’t breaking my own seal with some 50-year-old’s salami and my vagina!

Times, they are a changin’.

 

(Photo by: WENN)

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