The Duggars are back! 19 Kids and Counting premiered last night, with only a quick nod back to last season’s miscarriage before jumping into much more important matters, like marrying off every eligible female in that family. Not only did the episode “Duggars Down the Aisle” follow Anna‘s sister Priscilla‘s wedding — complete with an awkward first kiss in front of everyone — but the camera men sat down with the five eldest Duggar girls to grill them on what they’re looking for in husbands.
All this looking toward the future had us pondering what the kids’ lives will be like in the next ten years. By 2022 human cloning will probably be legal, so Jim Bob and Michelle can churn out several kids a year instead of just one at a time (lousy womb), but what will happen to their biological kids? Last night’s episode held several hints about their future partners, career aspirations, and who will actually escape the Duggar compound.
Naturally, we couldn’t get to every kid, because after a while they start to all blur together; honestly, I think some of them simply haven’t developed personalities because they know they’d be ignored anyway. But the ones who wanted to be noticed definitely caught our attention, so read on!
Photo: Amazon
I know what you’re thinking: Oldest girl Jana is so good with kids, she’s just gonna follow in Michelle’s footsteps. But I envision two distinct futures for her, both involving kids but not stuck in the same endless birth cycle her mother is. Since her sisters were giggling about Jana liking older men, I could see her shacking up with some older guy who already has a bunch of kids from his first marriage, and becoming the best stepmom ever. That, or she’ll continue her reality TV career by taking over the Supernanny helm and disciplining other people’s brats. “One screeching toddler?” she’ll scoff. “Try raising eighteen siblings!”
Photo: WTF Fundie Families
Someone mentions in the confessional how Jedidiah is always running around with a camera, so automatically I brand him the artist of the family. He’ll make moody, inexplicable films along the lines of James Franco‘s stuff, or maybe pull a Casey Affleck and orchestrate some weird I’m Still Here faux-documentary following around the hot celebrity of the time who’s tired of fame and looking to reinvent himself… like Maddox Jolie-Pitt.
Photo: 19 Kids and Counting wiki
Jill says that she doesn’t necessarily need a husband, that she’s content with God’s plan for her. She continues to tell this to her nineteen cats that she’s named, all with the letter Q.
Photo: 19 Kids and Counting wiki
Yesterday’s clip already showed how badly Jinger needs to get away from her family and move to the big city. We bet she gets her wish, but not without a few years of negotiating with Jim Bob and Michelle for funds and trying to write her life story in coffee shops. Because yes, I can’t see Jinger as anyone other than Lena Dunham.
Photo: WTF Fundie Families
Ever since I noticed Jeremiah striking this kinda-douchey post in the opening credits, I’ve always known that he’s the Duggar boy with the most personality. I bet that Jim Bob will try and groom him to take over his position as charismatic religious figure, but Jeremiah will shrug off his dad’s control and focus on his GTL instead.
I know that Jinger is everyone’s favorite to escape this family, but after watching last night’s episode I’m convinced that Jessa is the sassiest Duggar girl. She has a perpetual smirk and dishes out the best one-liners like “We’re not just sitting around eating bon-bons and waiting for Prince Charming!” With her tendency to drop something resembling pop culture references, I predict that she’ll become a pop culture blogger, furtively posting under a screen name from within the Duggar compound.
Photo: Ransomed By One
Joy Anna seems like the quiet one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she steals Jessa’s secret laptop to respond to the emails from fans that Jim Bob mentioned, find herself an internet boyfriend, and escape to meet him. I only hope that she’ll train herself on enough pirated episodes of To Catch a Predator that she’ll know when it’s a boy who actually wants to date her and not someone more dangerous.
Photo: 19 Kids and Counting wiki
Sorry to say, but Josh and Anna are probably gonna get divorced, either after he hits his midlife crisis at the ripe old age of 35, or once his glassy-eyed wife goes full tilt and murders him one night. And somehow, she’ll still get custody of the kids.
Once Michelle has her 20th kid (and she and Jim Bob are currently trying!), Josie will develop lifelong anxiety over losing her coveted spot of “doted-upon preemie baby.” But in every subsequent relationship, whether platonic or romantic, she’ll look for someone to give her constant attention and coddling and will never learn to do anything for herself. She’ll also develop intense claustrophobia.
Photo: WTF Fundie Families
And as for the rest of them? They’ll all be diabetic, if they continue to subscribe to Jim Bob’s “a spoonful of sugar” cure for hiccups.
As a bonus, we tracked down the season 10 premiere. Watch it here and let us know your predictions for the kids!
