Like the rest of real America, I sat down last night to watch the new TLC show Abby & Brittany, a whimsical peek into the lives of the famous 22-year-old conjoined twins, Abby and Brittany Hensel, who are just trying to live normal lives. For years, the girls fascinated me and last night’s two-episode premiere only fanned the flames of curiosity.
While I originally thought my brain exhausted all the possible questions I could have for these twins, I now have so many more. And that makes me feel guilty because I know that the reason that these women keep letting camera crews into their lives is to stop the stares and the pointing and the questions.
But I can’t help the fact that my brain goes to the dark places it goes. Short of getting shock therapy, I don’t know how to not care about people I see on my TV screen. Sorry I’m only partially sorry for stalking everyone ever featured on a reality show.
With that said, now that Abby and Brittany Hensel opened the door into their adult lives, I’m going to walk right in and ask away.
So bear with me as I offend a lot of people.
The show starts with Abby and Brittany preparing for their 22nd birthday party in college. Yes, college! The women attended Bethel College in Minnesota and successfully graduated in spring 2012. But before they walked across the stage (did they walk twice? Or just once?), they partied the night away at the birthday party their friends threw them.
Back in my college days, we drank at birthday parties. Sometimes heavily. But this party looked dry. Was it for the cameras or for real? Either way, it made me wonder how they drink — and more importantly, how they deal with hangovers. If Brittany drinks one night and Abby doesn’t, do they both still get drunk? Could Abby be her sister’s designated driver in this made-up scenario? Since they have two stomachs, do they each get individual hangovers.
Or does Abby get totally screwed if Brittany gets wasted one night and she doesn’t? Even worse to contemplate, what if Brittany has to throw up after a long night of partying and Abby doesn’t. Does she get sick watching her conjoined twin throw up? Does she hold her hair back? Or does she just whisper horribly mean things into Abby’s ear about her inability to say no to jello shots?
Do you see how this works? One question just turns into ten more questions. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say I’m the Octomom of questions today. (Does that metaphor work or am I pushing it?)
Not only does the party make me think about drinking, but it also makes me think about sex. I know, totally taboo, but stay with me here. How does it work? What if they don’t like the same guy? What if a guy only likes one of them? Does only one have to be on the pill? If Abby got pregnant from a guy Abby likes, would the baby be Abby’s? Or would the baby always be both of their child since this made-up baby grows in their shared uterus? Since attraction’s as mental as it is physical, could one orgasm and one not?
These are all valid questions that a stranger shouldn’t be asking them. So once again, my apologies Abby and Brittany. But if it’s any kind of consolation prize for my rude intrusion on your privacy, rest assured that your new show led to you both surpassing the Olsen Twins as my favorite twins in the media. As always, the other twins from Full House remain in last place. That’s what happens when you go MIA.