• Tue, Aug 28 2012

Real Housewives Of New York: Does LuAnn Seriously Think She Can Keep Her Affair Secret On A Reality Show?

I will never understand what goes through the heads of these reality show cast-members. It’s like they forget that they’re constantly followed around by a traveling circus of video cameras and drama-loving producers and they feel free to get drunk and make bad decisions as if all of America (including their loved ones) won’t see them when the show airs. Which was apparently the delusion that LuAnn de Lesseps was laboring under on The Real Housewives of New York City last night. The ladies are in St. Barth’s for an ill-advised (by me) vacation with Sonja Morgan, Ramona Singer, Heather Thomson, Carole Radziwill, and LuAnn all under the same roof. And Aviva Drescher is also going to brave her fear of small planes to come out for the weekend, so we officially have a powder-keg. But the biggest drama so far hasn’t been from Ramona and Sonja fighting with Heather, like I expected. Sure, they squabbled at dinner over Pinot Grigio, but they definitely didn’t bring a man home to the villa.

…which LuAnn did, in case that wasn’t clear. Yes, she’s in a live-in relationship with Jacques Azoulay, with whom she’s been talking about having a baby, but The Countess brought home a real, live French pirate to make passionate Johnny Depp love to last night instead. That was reckless enough, what with this being a reality show set, but LuAnn was actually almost in the clear, because the film crew somehow failed to get footage of LuAnn and Tomas sneaking home together. But that was where LuAnn started pushing her luck. In the morning, heavily hungover, the first words out of her mouth were how much fun she’d had the night before, and how she ran into a group of Italian friends of hers whom she hadn’t seen in forever, and brought them back to the house.

Okay, so imagine for a second that some of the other Housewives are idiots. Ooh! I did it! That was easy, because some of them are. But not Heather. Heather is pretty intelligent and level-headed, and LuAnn, you can tell her as many times as you want that you came home with a co-ed group of Italians, but she heard you with one voice. And that voice was male and French and belonged to Tomas. Who you’d been rubbing up on all night.

I feel like this is the moment in which you either stop talking about it, or cut your losses and admit it: you brought a guy home. Your roommate is already on tape saying she heard and saw him, and now the whole house is talking about it, and you have to know that when the episode airs, all of America will be too. But instead, LuAnn just keeps clinging harder and harder to her story about her Italian friends, which everyone knows is ridiculous. Including LuAnn, who now takes it upon herself to call her friend Cat, who lives on the island, and tell her to tell Tomas to deny coming home with her. Which is a great effort, and might be somewhat effective in the real world…but not when you’re body mic-ed. LuAnn’s whole condemning end of the conversation is on film, but unfortunately she spoke in French, so we’ll never know what she said.

JUST KIDDING BRAVO TRANSLATED THAT SHIT. Because of course they did. Honestly, why did you even bother speaking in French? It’s not a secret language — literally everyone on the island speaks it except for the four girls you’re sharing a villa with. I can’t believe that anyone would be so brainless, but, as always, the Housewives never fail to disappoint.

Keep on making that magic happen, ladies.

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