While I originally thought the image of Joe Giudice topless would be the reason that I gouged my brain out before Labor Day, I now think it’s the thought that Joe Gorga, Melissa Gorga, Teresa Giudice and Joe Giudice shared a hotel room in Napa.
For those of you fortunate enough to not be watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey on a weekly basis, let me catch you up on the atrocity I’m talking about. Teresa Giudice got in a screaming match with Caroline Manzo over who could talk over the other person most effectively. Despite the fact she wasn’t formally entered into the competition Lauren Manzo somehow won. But stranger things have happened when you’re on the longest vacation to ever be filmed for television.
In a chivalrous gesture laced with alcohol, Joe Giudice announced that he would take the victimized Teresa Giudice home to New Jersey for “work” reasons right away. I guess we’re all referring to the fact Joe Giudice cheats on Teresa as work now. I accept that and I’ m cool with that. As I’ve said before, I think it takes Joe Giudice a lot of work to convince someone to sleep with him, so that word seems perfectly applicable.
In an act of solidarity, Melissa Gorga and Joe Gorga announced they would also leave. While Teresa waxed on poetically about how wonderful it was that Joe Gorga was being such a supportive brother, I noticed something odd. And by odd, I mean NOT OKAY. All four people started packing up their suitcases in the same room — which tells me that they all slept in the same room. Just two double beds separated by a small night table. Thing that night table must have witnessed…
Given all we know about Joe Gorga need to constantly release his poison and Teresa’s nonstop attempts at seducing her cheating husband on this trip, I can’t stop imagining what happened in that bedroom. And I want to stop. I really do. While rational people will say that it’s not a big deal and they’re sure the couples remained chaste, I know too much to say the same.
After all, this is the same night that Joe Gorga stripped down to his underwear and adjusted himself right in front of us.
Also the same trip where Teresa asked Joe Giudice if he wanted to do it in her butt — right in front of her brother Joe Gorga. Then proceeded to try to make Joe Giudice have sex with her in a vineyard within earshot of her brother. (Semi-related, I hate that I have to use full names because both men are Joe G. Do with that information what you will. Or use it analyze the fact that Teresa Giudice married the closest thing possible to her brother.)
Need another reason to believe the fearsome foursome had vacation sex in the same room. How about the fact that Joe Gorga exposed his penis to the camera on this trip and bragged that his penis was bigger than Joe Giudice’s penis. Why would you ever compare your penis to your brother-in-law’s penis. They’re not competing for the same vagina. I hate to get graphic, but I just need to drive home the point that this comparison only makes me think that Joe Gorga thinks about his sister’s sex life — which is ew, ew, EW.
So it’s not that far-fetched to assume that they all had sex in that one bedroom. After all, there’s always been this strange undercurrent of sexual tension running through Teresa’s relationship with her brother. While I know that’s a bold claim to make, it’s almost undeniably there when you watch Joe Giudice and Joe Gorga fight over Teresa’s attention for two seasons. It also helps to explain why Melissa and Teresa hate each other so much. I’d be pretty annoyed if my husband showed me his penis and then brought up his sister’s husband. It’s like the opposite of an aphrodisiac.
If anyone else out there feels like you’re constantly watching some kind of twisted Lifetime movie, know you’re not alone. I’m right there with you — searching for the most practical kitchen tool to give myself a DIY lobotomy.