• Sun, Aug 26 2012

Honey Boo Boo Is Back, And She’s Dressed Like A Slutty Cupcake

In case you were going into withdrawal between episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, never fear! The star of that wart on reality TV’s already ugly existence is back on the pageant stage doing what she does best. Alana Thompson found fame appearing with her overbearing mother June on TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras, and was so overwhelmingly…overwhelming, that the show’s producers got her her very own show with which to steal my brain cells away from my head. Through that show, we’ve heard all about go-go juice and met all the various and sundry members of her very frightening family.

But if all that isn’t enough for you, Honey Boo Boo is back on the pageant scene filming her show, and went to the Sparkle & Shine pageant in Georgia yesterday. So you can actually go to Georgia and see history as it’s being made. I mean filmed. What kind of history, I don’t know, but it seems like it couldn’t hurt to have as many adults on the scene as possible. From what I can find, Honey Boo Boo didn’t win any awards, but her mother, three sisters, father, and uncle were all there to support her. For future reference, her father goes by ‘Sugar Bear’ and her uncle goes by ‘Poodle’. I’m assuming she has another uncle somewhere who goes by ‘Unicorn’, just to round out the naming their kids after gay animals streak that her grandparents were apparently on.

But let’s not neglect Honey Boo Boo’s actual performance. She breezed onstage in three different costumes. One was pink and covered in every shiny, sparkly thing that has ever been invented. You could do a Highlights magazine style object search on this costume — can you find the hidden butterfly, flower, and glistening dewdrop? I don’t want to insult the pastry-family, but Alana closely resembles a slutty cupcake in this outfit. Not that all cupcakes are slutty, just that some of them are. I don’t want to be politically incorrect. Some pastries are upstanding citizens, and not at all slutty. Like bran muffins or a tasteful buttermilk scone.

Her other outfit is made from a mermaid’s old bathmat, and you can barely even tell that there wasn’t enough fabric to cover Honey Boo Boo’s belly. The mermaid worked long and hard to make the material extra shiny and attached a lot of trinkets that she found in an abandoned treasure chest. The final product is nothing if not mesmerizing.

And her third look was actually kind of tasteful, so I’ll pretend it never happened as it doesn’t fit with the narrative I have of Honey Boo Boo inside my head, okay? I want to remember her as she was — the world’s most irritating slutty cupcake.

(Image: WENN.com)

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • CleanUpMediaPlease

    ….and
    Alexis Rhiannon who wrote this snarticle goes by the nickname of SNOTBALL.

  • Maggie

    Did you really just refer to a 6-year-old as “slutty”? I don’t think there’s enough room in the comment box to write everything that’s wrong with this. Alexis, do you realize that not only have you just slut-shamed a CHILD, you have used a sexually derogative term against the same child and in doing so, sexualized a 6-year-old? Not to mention that this 6-year-old whom you’ve just called a slut doesn’t choose her outfits. Regardless of how you feel about pageants or the shows and people on TLC, there is never a situation where it is okay to speak about a child that way. Shame on you.

  • Lalala

    She IS a slutty cupcake, not bc she’s a slut, but bc her disgusting turd of a mother dressed her up as one. See the difference? Good.

    • really ..

      you’re also an idiot.

  • never

    this is written poorly. also she poke fun about a unicorn being gay. why’s that? because it’s a unicorn. it might be straight, but you didn’t bother asking his sexuality. dumb ass.

  • horrid author

    please go to journalism school. thank you.

  • Reality

    Very well written article.

    These previous commentors are everything that is wrong with the world.

    By wearing clothing not fitting for an adult of high esteem, the author is able to make reference to the slutty attire she wears. The author is not calling the child a slut, but rather referring to her clothing as slutty.

    • Naynay

      Read it again.

  • Dave

    Do people really watch this nonsense?

  • jessjessxoxo

    idk, it reminds me of a halloween princess dress, and it looks cute on the little girl… but on her mom? No, just no…

  • Lovelyone

    Just wow… You should be ashamed! Calling a little girl slutty, very mature! For one you dont know her. And two TLC only shows the parts of her life they find to be entertaining. You do not know how this little girl lives. Who are you to judge her? i dont know you but from what i just read, your an idiot!!! You attacked a 6 year old. You sure are a real classy person! Oh and FYI if you actuall want to be a “real writer” try going to journalism school and oh I don’t know write about something important, instead of insulting a 6 year old!

  • Nicole

    Who the hell are you to be talking about a little girl this way? You should be ashamed of yourself bitch! You’re not a damn journalist, you’re just a bully. Get a life.