In case you were going into withdrawal between episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, never fear! The star of that wart on reality TV’s already ugly existence is back on the pageant stage doing what she does best. Alana Thompson found fame appearing with her overbearing mother June on TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras, and was so overwhelmingly…overwhelming, that the show’s producers got her her very own show with which to steal my brain cells away from my head. Through that show, we’ve heard all about go-go juice and met all the various and sundry members of her very frightening family.
But if all that isn’t enough for you, Honey Boo Boo is back on the pageant scene filming her show, and went to the Sparkle & Shine pageant in Georgia yesterday. So you can actually go to Georgia and see history as it’s being made. I mean filmed. What kind of history, I don’t know, but it seems like it couldn’t hurt to have as many adults on the scene as possible. From what I can find, Honey Boo Boo didn’t win any awards, but her mother, three sisters, father, and uncle were all there to support her. For future reference, her father goes by ‘Sugar Bear’ and her uncle goes by ‘Poodle’. I’m assuming she has another uncle somewhere who goes by ‘Unicorn’, just to round out the naming their kids after gay animals streak that her grandparents were apparently on.
But let’s not neglect Honey Boo Boo’s actual performance. She breezed onstage in three different costumes. One was pink and covered in every shiny, sparkly thing that has ever been invented. You could do a Highlights magazine style object search on this costume — can you find the hidden butterfly, flower, and glistening dewdrop? I don’t want to insult the pastry-family, but Alana closely resembles a slutty cupcake in this outfit. Not that all cupcakes are slutty, just that some of them are. I don’t want to be politically incorrect. Some pastries are upstanding citizens, and not at all slutty. Like bran muffins or a tasteful buttermilk scone.
Her other outfit is made from a mermaid’s old bathmat, and you can barely even tell that there wasn’t enough fabric to cover Honey Boo Boo’s belly. The mermaid worked long and hard to make the material extra shiny and attached a lot of trinkets that she found in an abandoned treasure chest. The final product is nothing if not mesmerizing.
And her third look was actually kind of tasteful, so I’ll pretend it never happened as it doesn’t fit with the narrative I have of Honey Boo Boo inside my head, okay? I want to remember her as she was — the world’s most irritating slutty cupcake.