Tom Cruise Needs To Stop Pretending That His Marriage To Katie Holmes Was Real

Ugh. Tom Cruise continues to walk around Hollywood in a constant state of loneliness and depression. Like a man with a legally-contracted rain cloud constantly down pouring over his head.

New stories coming from the same insiders say that the star’s allegedly so paralyzed with sadness by his divorce from Katie Holmes — and subsequent separation from Suri Cruise — that he’s not eating. That he can’t face the fact that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise is no more.

He’s just working so many long hours to forget that, that he’s not eating. And by not eating, he’s wasting away. Like Anne Hathaway on the set of Les Miserables. Or like any other actress who’s ever lost weight. Insiders say he’s lost 14 pounds in 3 weeks. I say he must be using Trimspa. The results speak for themselves.

It’s just not possible that this divorce blindsided him. Let alone blindsided him into an eating disorder. Isn’t it common knowledge now that Tom Cruise allegedly contracts wives for a set amount of time? I thought the best of his divorce with Katie Holmes was that we got a chance to discuss that in depth.

While she’s flourished post-divorce, he’s turned into an absolute basketcase. A man who can’t carry on without his daughter. Except he has two other children living at home. Remember them? Connor Cruise and Isabella Cruise. So he’s not exactly alone. And it’s not like he hasn’t been divorced before. He knows how this goes.

Soon enough his friends at Scientology will surely present him with a new wife. A pretty, young thing who will gladly breed with him for as long as the alleged contract obligates. Then I suppose he’ll be able to meet again and put back on those missing pounds. Until then Tom, enjoy being emaciated. You’re the envy of every woman in America who loves her husband, but also wants a quick fix to lose weight.

(Photo: TrimSpa/Patricia Schlein/

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    • fuyao

      retard, garbage article.

      • Jenni

        Your feedback’s invaluable to me! Thank you for taking the time.

      • fuyao

        Don’t thank me. i didn’t have time to read. Just making flybys for any web filth!

      • Jenni

        Where can I send donations for your charitable work?

      • Irish Girl

        Jen, you crack me up…

    • Tegan Kain

      I wouldn’t even call this an article. This is over-opinionated garbage and you shouldn’t even be allowed to post your derogatory “rumor mill” trash talk on the web.
      All the people who have worked with Tom have gushed over what a kind and genuine person he is, and a pleasure to work with, yet you focus on unconfirmed bullshit gossip and form a preconceived opinion on someone you clearly know nothing about.
      Judgmental and non-empathic human beings like you disgust me.