This week I have living proof that celebrities are not just like us, because every time I strip naked and play pool, nobody cares enough to leak the photographs. But when Prince Harry does it, it’s world news, so I guess he must be more famous than me. Also I’ve never stripped naked and played pool, but that’s beside the point. Not to be outdone, Ryan Lochte also apparently has naked photos drifting around the interwebs, which makes two over-hyped celebrities swinging their junk nozzles around my computer screen today. Neither of whom I actually have any interest in seeing naked.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying these guys aren’t attractive. They’re both good-looking guys, in their own ways. It’s just that I don’t want them to know I think that, because we’ve given both of them perhaps a touch more publicity than they deserve, of late. We’ve somehow gotten Prince Harry so comfortable with his fame that he challenged an Olympic gold-medalist swimmer to a diva swim-off. And Ryan Lochte is so out-of-control that he’s trying to trademark the word ‘jeah’ while wearing a tiny pink Speedo and an American flag grill…and still successfully picking up girls. Before Sam Claflin got the part, we were suggesting putting him in Catching Fire as Finnick Odair, for god’s sake. The place for an Olympic swimmer is in an Olympic pool, okay? Not in a regular sized pool, or a kiddie pool, and not in a movie franchise.
Bottom line, this is not how I want these guys to be acting, so I’m going to take it upon myself to change the way they think. The only reason they’re behaving this way is because they think they’re the shit, so what if I got them to think they were twin garbage heaps, instead? Then they’re be perfect little gentlemen and sit quietly in their seats until all the adults had finished talking. So to that end, here’s a list of people who I find more attractive than our friends the swimmer and the prince. Aka, 10 People I Wish I’d Seen Naked Before Ryan Lochte and Prince Harry:
- Steve Buscemi.
- Mr. Snuffleupagus.
- Carrot Top.
- Richard Nixon.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay.
- Snooki. (Side note: this is the only time in history that those names will ever be listed next to each other.)
- Theodore Roosevelt.
- Kathy Bates.
- Willy Wonka.
And what’s cool about this list is that it also doubles as a bucket list of Celebrities I Want To Bang Before I Die.