Ugh, Americans! We’ll never cast Fifty Shades of Grey if we keep changing our mind about who we want to play Christian Grey. I thought we finally narrowed it down to Ian Somerhalder or Matt Bomer. But now, you’re throwing Shia LeBeouf into the mix just because he has real live sex in the Lars Von Trier movie Nympomaniac? Call me a prude and call me a horrible speller, but I never want to see Shia LaBeouf have sex on screen.
One, because I still picture him as Louis Stevens. And two, I find his last name incredibly difficult to spell and I can’t spend the next year second guessing myself when it comes to LeBeouf vs LaBeouf vs LuBouef. Fanshare, a website with less legitimacy than Crushable, reports the following news:
The reason for his surge up the list of those being considered is due to his taking of another raunchy role in Lars Von Trier’s ‘Nymphomaniac’, a part that may see the actor have actual sex on screen! The website Policymic calls Shia “one of the strongest contenders yet” for the role, and fans may get behind the actor as he’s one of the few with both blockbuster and independent movie experience who could be in with a shot.
Considering that this movie’s going to make 6 gazillion dollars, I think the producers will be able to afford to hold auditions for the role. And that means that all the potential leads can have real sex in front of them so they can see who has the best on-screen chemistry with the actress playing Anastasia Steele. (Sidenote: rumors say that Tyler Perry’s Madea won the role of Anastasia, but that’s unconfirmed by everyone except one rouge Twitter spambot.)
I’ve never cast a movie before but I’m pretty sure, all on-screen couples are required to have sex as part of “the chemistry test.” So fear not horny Americans, Christian Grey will be proven clinically sexy before he gets the role.
But until then let’s continue to name every male actor aged 18-67 as possible contenders for the role. Oh what’s that? Dylan and Cole Sprouse won the role, great! I vaguely remember an allusion to Christian Grey having an identical twin in that book, so that works for me.
I wash my hands of this casting news once and for all. Or at least until tomorrow when the next rumor starts swirling around.
Hold up. One just came in. Ren Stevens cast as Anastasia Steele. Do with that information what you will.