3. Kevin Jonas needs to shave that atrocity he’s growing on his face. Or he needs to grow it out. But that “hey Ma, I think I’m going through puberty” look needs to go. Sorry I’m not sorry for being strict on my facial hair codes.
4. Bucky Deleasa, Danielle’s father, needs to up the creepy stalker factor ASAP. In the first episode, Kevin makes it clear that he’s not comfortable with Bucky coming into their house without asking. Bucky (and the producers) should take this as a sign that he should be more intrusive. Why stop outside their bedroom door in the morning. Go on in, make awkward sex jokes, wear an ill-fitting bathrobe that reveals too much– whatever it takes to make people squirm in their seats at home.
5. Stop all the food talk right away. This isn’t Instagram. I don’t care what you’re eating or what you’re cooking or if you even have a fridge. Get the camera out of the kitchen. (Unless Bucky is there in the middle of the night making smoothies in his ill-fitting bathrobe.)
6. Murder. It never hurts ratings. That’s all I’m saying.
7. Danielle needs to improve her acting skills. She’s doing a lot of telling right now and not a lot of showing. Don’t say, “I get anxious before I go to events with Kevin.” Start hyperventilating as you run through the house breaking fragile items and screaming obscenties. Same goes for her “stupid girl” character that she started crafting last night with her “oh is pancetta pork? Whoops did I say that on camera? Now I’m going to be the Jessica Simpson of 2012″ comment. That’s fine if she wants us to think she’s stupid. She just needs to throw it in our face. Misprounouce words that are easy to pronounce. Call Kevin Nick. Say Fifty Shades of Grey is the best book you’ve ever read. Whatever it takes to make us question if you graduated elementary school
8. Kevin, on the other hand, seems to be really into this this whole soft-spoken thing. Even when he’s getting heated, he still speaks in breathy whispers. Let’s take that to the next level and really explore it. Has a reality show character ever spoken entirely in whispers? I don’t believe so. I think this could be a great opportunity for Kevin to break some new ground on TV.
9. During the episode Danielle makes a phallic comment about Kevin being so bad that he’s going to get bananas in his bed. Because I’m an asshole-optimist who reads blind items 19 times a day, I assumed she was making an openly gay joke about her husband. The whole thing turns into a staged fight that left me wanting more gay allusions. What other phallic foods look good in bed. Baguettes?
10. As a man who once wore a purity ring, I’m not surprised Kevin’s somewhat condescending. Hearing him explain to his wife Danielle why he needs to have a baby on his work schedule showed us how well he can speak down to his wife. But once again, like everything else I’ve mentioned above, it’s not ENOUGH. If you’re going to be condescending, BE CONDESCENDING. Really let everyone know how dumb you think your wife is when it comes to matters outside of the kitchen.
11. Danielle needs to surprise Kevin by adopting a child while he’s out recording songs in the studio one day. Maybe a quirky tween who says precocious things about life, love and boy bands. And then when Kevin whisper-yells to her, “I told you I wasn’t ready to have a child!” She can have a full blown panic attack because the adoption is final and there’s no going back.
And cue the best reality show ever!