As an avid watcher of The Virgin Diaries, I eagerly sat down to watch Married to Jonas last night. I naturally assumed that the show would be a cross between Real Housewives of New Jersey and Downton Abbey. An interesting peek into the home of Kevin Jonas and his wife Danielle Jonas (AKA Danielle Deleasa). That they’d speak openly about what it’s like to be playing house in a New Jersey mansion before they can (easily) rent cars. How it felt to lose their virginity knowing the whole world knew they were losing their virginity. And finally how they deal with the fact that gay rumors swirl around Kevin Jonas like he’s the second coming of Tom Cruise.
But instead it felt like a very special episode of “Wah! I want to get pregnant, but my famous husband who probably only has a few bankable years left on him wants to go on tour. Wah!”
Thanks, but no thanks. You might have great prom down-do hair Danielle Jonas, but your uterus’ occupancy status bores me. In quite the same way Kevin’s facial hair attempt unnerves me. However, that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. If E! makes the following 11 changes to the show, I think they have the potential to be the world’s best reality show.
1. They need a more enticing opening montage. Their family isn’t anywhere as exciting as the Manzos and it’s silly to pretend like we want to meet them all. I’m thinking more explosions. Literal explosions happening throughout the montage. Also phallic symbols. Just bananas and Eiffel Towers and dildos floating around the screen. Sometimes symbolism really sets the mood for a show.
2. Without a doubt, the house that Kevin Jonas shares with his wife Danielle is too small. Yes, it’s big by normal American standards. But he’s a rock star (in the same way that Uncle Jesse was a rock star) and his house needs to be more ostentatious. I didn’t see one indoor basketball court or even the hint of an authentic 1920s boardwalk outside. It’s small enough to make me think that they don’t even have gold-plated toilet seats. For a guy who claims he’s a pop star, he’s sure lacking on the ridiculousness that other celebs have in their homes. I didn’t even see one random celebrity lurking inside the house.