They all sit down to a gorgeous birthday dinner for Caroline on the top of hill overlooking the vineyard, and everything is going wonderfully. Everyone is crying and happy and getting along quite well. Joe Giudice says some nice things about maintaining his friendship with these people and everyone keeps on crying. Is everything finally hunky dory with the Jersey troops? It seems that way! That is until Joe Giudice gets a text message and leaves the table to “call work.”
The following is a transcript of what Joe Giudice says on the phone to a mysterious person before his “bitch wife” comes up and interrupts him:
“Hey! What are you doing? Oh! Don’t even tell me that! *weird grunting noises* We’re actually celebrating Caroline’s 50th birthday up here. Hold on. Here she comes. My bitch wife. She’s such a bitch. Anyway, I’m gonna hang up. I’m gonna talk to you, like whatever.”
When Teresa comes over to confront Joe and ask him who he is talking to, he starts speaking Spanish! And talking about some guy named Pete! He was definitely not speaking Spanish 15 seconds earlier when he was making weird sex noises, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that Joe Giudice is a lying, cheating SOB. It seems that everyone, except Teresa, is privy to Joe’s extracurricular activities. And as Caroline puts it, “I feel bad for her.” Damn, I do too. What a scumbag. But it’s just like, dude, you’re on a reality TV show! You’re mic’d up! Why would you take that phone call? Clearly, he is not the juiciest grape in the vineyard (see what I did there?).
After unknowingly catching Joe talking to mistress, Teresa begs her husband to have sex with her in the vineyard. Subconsciously, I think she knows exactly who he was on the phone with and in order to remind him of who he is married to, she wanted to give him some pooty-tang. He is so not into it and practically begs her to get off of him. He won’t even kiss her in the morning. It’s all just very sad to watch. I can’t really imagine how Ms. Giudice feels watching this all back today.
The next night before dinner, the ladies are all still talking about Teresa and her respective crumbling friendships with each of the ladies. Kathy is really concerned that she is being completely left out of “family bonding” between Melissa and Teresa. After their tiff about the recipe book, Kathy wonders if she can ever be close with her cousin again. Poor Kathy! What I don’t understand is why these women want to be friends with Teresa? She’s awful! You’re doing yourself a favor by taking her out of your life.
The gang settles down to dinner and toasts start to being. Chris Laurita gives a very nice, brief one that thanks everyone for coming and yadda-yadda, but hold onto your hats, everyone. Teresa has something to say too! She starts yapping on about how much she loved spending time with her brother and sister-in-law and then gives a “happy birthday” shout out to Caroline. Everyone kind of awkwardly cheers to that, except for Caroline who is angry at Teresa for not mentioning her cousin Kathy. My heart is bleeding for Kathy! Teresa is just filled with 100 kinds of evil. At least the Manzos are there to cheer her up.
It looks like in next week’s episode the wine starts flowing and the real feelings that have been building up this entire road trip finally explode! Amen! Hallelujah!
(Photos: Bravo TV)