• Sat, Aug 18 2012

Robert Pattinson Goes To A Shooting Range To Work Out His Angsty Affair Aggression

With Kristen Stewart hiding deep in the bowels of a suburban American mall, and Robert Pattinson only barely acknowledging interview questions about her, this high-profile Hollywood scandal has cooled significantly, and I’d say it is high time for me to start grasping at straws. So. Hand me that bundle of straws if you would, please. Ah, here’s one.

Robert Pattinson has been going to a shooting range! Aha! This is very revealing! I know what that is — that’s a place where overly emotional people go to shoot guns at inanimate objects! Sometimes the people who go there are mad, and sometimes they are sad. I wonder which one R-Patz is. Probably both. He’s a madsad vampire. Can’t you just imagine him? Sexily rolling up the sleeves on his intentionally grungy flannel shirt? Taking slow, careful aim at an oil painting of Rupert Sanders hanging in the immediate distance.

Side note: It’s a little-known fact that while the rest of us peons have to be satisfied with a cheap-ass poster of some faceless guy when we go to the gun-range, celebrities get a finer treatment. They have to let the LAPD know at least a week in advance that they’ll be visiting the range, and who most of their aggression is toward, and that gives the police time to commission an artist to create a rendering in expensive oils. Celebrities: they’re not just like us.

In any event, Robert totes went to a gun range but for some reason he’s being secretive about who he was thinking about when he fired the weapon. You have to be thinking of someone. It’s the law of the gun range. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want all of us strangers up in his business or something. He told MTV’s Josh Horovitz:

“It was just a poster of a guy. Completely irrelevantly, he looked a lot like my dad.”

Why so coy, Robbykins? (He loves when I call him that.) Why are you pretending like you don’t have motivations behind your every move? We all know that in the wake of a realtionship, when you eat ice cream it’s because you’re feeling sad and vulnerable, and when you walk a dog you’re getting a new lease on life, and when you play with kids you’re thinking wistfully of the life that could have been with Kristen. So give us more to work with, Rob…the drama well is running a little dry.

(Image: Joseph Marzullo / WENN.com)

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