Did I miss something? As soon as Mitt Romney announced Representative Paul Ryan as his vice-presidential nominee, it was like the internet was flooded with a deluge of people obsessed with seeing this guy shirtless. I get that he’s more attractive than the average politician, but is he more attractive than the average human? I can’t tell. I guess I’m biased because I also know and disagree with his politics, but I find him kind of…intense-looking. Not necessarily in a negative way, but also not in a way that makes me want to get up in his abs like the rest of America.
But here’s the thing. As the Republican candidate for vice president, Paul Ryan is supposed to be working for the American people. His job is to listen to us tell him what we want, and then do it. (I never took PoliSci, but I think I got the jist of the US government.) So with so many American citizens making it extremely clear that they want to see him with his shirt off, muscles patriotically rippling in the breeze, why hasn’t that happened yet? Why is he ignoring the needs of the American people? It’s hardly a behavior befitting an elected official, no? Maybe he’s inadvertently proving he wouldn’t be a good leader! Or maybe…he’s hiding something. Yes, yes, gumshoes, I think we’re really onto something, here. Nevermind the fact that he has more important things on his mind, like a presidential election, doesn’t it seem more likely that Paul Ryan is hiding something under his shirt that he doesn’t want us to see? You know what, that’s a rhetorical question and I don’t even need you to answer it because of course he is. It’s just a matter of what. So here are our Top 10 Best Guesses For What Paul Ryan Is (
Probably Definitely) Hiding Under His Shirt:
- A tattoo of Ronald Reagan as a centaur.
- A third nipple.
- A dense coat of Teen Wolf-style body hair.
- A belly button piercing.
- Little wing stublets from when he used to be a baby angel.
- A Lady Gaga signature on his man-boob.
- A Teletubby tummy television.
- Amelia Earhart.
- A chest alien.
- A pregnancy. (According to Gallup polls, no vice-presidential candidate has campaigned while openly pregnant and successfully gained office.)
Any of those is equally likely, so take your pick. Just be ready for a quick response from Paul Ryan’s legal team and the quick ‘leaking’ of Photoshopped shirtless pictures that trick you into thinking his body is perfectly normal.
Don’t be fooled.
(Image: DJDM / WENN.com)