Shia LaBeouf starts filming for a new movie in September called Nymphomaniac, an “erotic drama about a woman’s sexual awakening”. It’s directed by Lars von Trier, the same guy who directed the highly-acclaimed Melancholia with Kirsten Dunst last year, and also stars Nicole Kidman, Willem Dafoe, Charlotte Gainsbourg, and Stellan Skarsgard. Oh and all the sex scenes will be real. Sounds like a cool movie, right? I can’t wait to –
Wait, what? The sex scenes are gonna be real? Thaaaaat’s not possible. They can’t do that! I want to know who started that rumor. Probably someone not at all involved with production, so we can just discount it. Or…Shia LaBeouf himself. What the hell? According to Shia:
“There’s a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says we’re doing it for real. Everything that is illegal, we’ll shoot in blurred images. Other than that, everything is happening.”
Forgive my ignorance, but sexually, what isn’t illegal to do for real on-screen? As far as I know, most directors feign everything beyond kissing. And for good reason! These people are actors, it’s their job to fake it, not to give real-live handies on the set of a movie in front of dozens of people manning cameras. I mean, I know there was that scene with Chloe Sevigny in Brown Bunny where she actually gave a blowjob, but I thought that was just a fluke that slipped through the cracks somehow. I know for sure that even though all that Ryan Gosling-on-Michelle Williams muff-diving action in Blue Valentine looked really real, that was definitely fake, because I remember reading about it.
On the other hand, you gotta know there are gonna be butts in seats to watch Shia LaBeouf bone some girl. And I’m sure the director figured on that, because according to Shia, this is all Lars von Trier’s doing. He describes the controversial director as, “Very dangerous. He’s the most dangerous dude I’ve ever showed up for. I’m terrified.” As you should be! Because maybe this is simplifying it, but once you have actual penetration on film in a movie, isn’t that just a porno? I’m not even trying to be rude, that’s my actual understanding of the situation. So I hate to break it to you, Shia, but you’re about to become the world’s first indie porn star. A little hipster Ron Jeremy. If I could offer some advice — you’re gonna wanna keep your neck beard, and maybe consider buying something fancy for your penis, like a little fedora or something, to get him nice and pampered before he’s on-camera.
Just a suggestion.