So Shia LaBeouf Is Having Real Sex With A Real Lady In His Next Movie…Explain To Me How That’s Not A Porno?

Shia LaBeouf
starts filming for a new movie in September called Nymphomaniac, an “erotic drama about a woman’s sexual awakening”. It’s directed by Lars von Trier, the same guy who directed the highly-acclaimed Melancholia with Kirsten Dunst last year, and also stars Nicole Kidman, Willem Dafoe, Charlotte Gainsbourg, and Stellan Skarsgard. Oh and all the sex scenes will be real. Sounds like a  cool movie, right? I can’t wait to –

Wait, what? The sex scenes are gonna be real? Thaaaaat’s not possible. They can’t do that! I want to know who started that rumor. Probably someone not at all involved with production, so we can just discount it. Or…Shia LaBeouf himself. What the hell? According to Shia:

“There’s a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says we’re doing it for real. Everything that is illegal, we’ll shoot in blurred images. Other than that, everything is happening.”

Forgive my ignorance, but sexually, what isn’t illegal to do for real on-screen? As far as I know, most directors feign everything beyond kissing. And for good reason! These people are actors, it’s their job to fake it, not to give real-live handies on the set of a movie in front of dozens of people manning cameras. I mean, I know there was that scene with Chloe Sevigny in Brown Bunny where she actually gave a blowjob, but I thought that was just a fluke that slipped through the cracks somehow. I know for sure that even though all that Ryan Gosling-on-Michelle Williams muff-diving action in Blue Valentine looked really real, that was definitely fake, because I remember reading about it.

On the other hand, you gotta know there are gonna be butts in seats to watch Shia LaBeouf bone some girl. And I’m sure the director figured on that, because according to Shia, this is all Lars von Trier’s doing. He describes the controversial director as, “Very dangerous. He’s the most dangerous dude I’ve ever showed up for. I’m terrified.” As you should be! Because maybe this is simplifying it, but once you have actual penetration on film in a movie, isn’t that just a porno? I’m not even trying to be rude, that’s my actual understanding of the situation. So I hate to break it to you, Shia, but you’re about to become the world’s first indie porn star. A little hipster Ron Jeremy. If I could offer some advice — you’re gonna wanna keep your neck beard, and maybe consider buying something fancy for your penis, like a little fedora or something, to get him nice and pampered before he’s on-camera.

Just a suggestion.


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    • Natalie Zutter

      What did I say yesterday?? I predicted there’d be a third Shia LaBeouf outrageous sound bite within 24 hours… That boy’s team is working hard for the money.

    • Jess

      There’s a movie called The Shape of Things (based on a play of the same name), starring Rachel Weisz and Paul Rudd, in which Weisz’ character argues that pornography is subjective, because it’s “meant to titillate and excite you” — what titillates and excites one person might have no effect on another. Plus, let’s face it, this is a Lars Von Trier movie we’re talking about. It’ll probably be more depressing than anything.

      • Irish Girl

        I don’t know why, but that last line literally made me laugh.

      • strike_a_poseur

        Because it’s true!

      • Irish Girl

        Yes…yes it is…LOL

    • Britty

      The majority of Von Trier’s sex scenes are unsimulated. The first scene of “Antichrist,” fot instance, starts out with some pretty intimate close ups. If only that were the most disturbing moment of the movie! I wouldn’t call it porn, but to each their own.

    • clarely

      It’s been done before: 9 Songs ( by very-much-legitimate director Michael Winterbottom. They’ll slap an NC-17 on it, but it will still be considered a film, as opposed to porn.Yeah, it’s a bit uncouth, but it can be tastefully done. 9 Songs was entirely unsexy, since all the sex scenes were in the context of a dysfunctional, dying relationship. (it’s really only a so-so film)

    • Danielle

      Check out the movie Shortbus directed by John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig & the Angry Inch, Rabbit Hole). Lots of “indie porn stars” before Shia.

    • lizzy

      so he’s getting paid to make a sex tape? oh, but in the name of “art”…… sure………

    • jillM

      this is sooo trite! i mean, like OMFG! Shia LaBeouf is doing naked love scenes in Sigur Ros videos and now a Lars Von Trier film??? is this porn?? pathetic!

    • Shane Russell

      There is a difference between a porno and artistic use of sexual relations on film. A porn is filmed with the intention of people watching it to get their rocks off and become sexually excited. On the other hand, films that follow a realistic plot line and use the action of real sex to tell a story is a valid use of this type of sex. They shouldn’t be put into the same category. I won’t disagree that saying a film has “real sex” can also be used as a marketing ploy because more people will want to see it but it still doesn’t make it a porno. Now of course, I don’t know what Lars von Trier has in store for this film, so it could just become a porno, but if it does tell a story outside of the sex scenes, then it shouldn’t be called a porno. Pornography “story lines” are written with the expressed fact to lead to sexual situations. Art films with real sex usually try to flesh out a realistic story to go long with the sex scenes.

      • Shane Russell

        Someone below me brought up Shortbus, and I would argue that that is a good example of a film with real sex that is not a porno by any means. It explores several people’s sexual relationships by using real sex between it’s partners that is intimate without being sexy or used to titillate those who watch it.

    • Lgladigan

      Ugh, Shia, really? You could do so much better.

    • lizzy

      tomato, tomahto – I understand the philosophy that a genuine storyline can detract from it being porn for porn’s sake and that it might not end up being a porno film, but does it mean that the actor has not crossed the line into pornography by being paid to have full-out sex with a stranger on camera in front a director and a crew? and at what point in the scenes is it even “acting” anymore? It reminds of statements made by paid escorts who have sex with their clients but argue they are not the same as prostitutes because they attend events with clients, etc.

    • Duncan

      This is just another step down the slippery slope. Really. This is the sort of thing which makes me wonder if Al Quaeda wasn’t such a good idea after all. Everybody involved in this ought to be pelted with rocks.

      • Jane

        I think I agree, sadly enough. Some people are hell bent on destroying society from the outside, and some are hell bent on destroying it from within so yeah, I think they ought to be stoned to death for this as well.

    • Nicole Isliburg

      So if this makes Shia a pornstar, then is Mark Walburg a pornstar too? He was inBoogie Nights with Heather Graham, SuzANNE Surandan (sp?) and other and THAT movie was about porn drugs and sex, hell at the end you see his penis! So if Shia is aporn star for this then so is everyone who was in Boogie Nights.

      • fakepeenee

        I hate to burst your fantasy bubble, Nicole, but that was NOT Mark Wahlberg’s real penis lmao

      • becca

        would have been nice if it was but I’m sure the real thing is good too

    • PulpLizard

      LOL…I enjoyed this update. But really…I do not want to see his Transformers wee-wee.