Like her famous homewrecking predecessors Carmen Sandiego and Waldo, Kristen Stewart disappeared off the face of the earth as soon as the news broke that Us Weekly caught her cheating on Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders. Americans immediately put her alleged infidelity up there with Keri Russell’s haircut, genocide and standing in the 10 items or less lane at the grocery store with more than 10 items.
Needless to say, she had to go into hiding for her own safety. Especially after this footage emerged on TMZ of Robert Pattinson fans outside the California mansion that she shared with him.
Day after day, people speculated on her whereabouts, trying to figure out her address so their unlabeled anthrax envelopes could reach her — and teach her a lesson about cheating on an American hero. An American hero who happens to be from England and happens to have left his brush there years ago, resulting in a never-ending ”I just rolled out of bed” look.
But after reading fan comments from all over the interweb and studying Kristen Stewart’s most recent interviews, I know where she’s hiding. Well, I’ve at least narrowed it down to these 10 places.
1. Jodie Foster’s personal panic room.
This was was so duh to me that I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier. Not only is Jodie Foster obsessed with Kristen Stewart, but she also loves panic rooms. In fact, she’s so enamored with the concept that she made a movie about them. Did you know that? It starred a young Kristen Stewart and a slightly less fragile Jodie Foster.
She snuck onto the rover in an attempt to flee the planet and actually enjoys the solitude. Let’s just say space aliens don’t care if she wears converse on the red carpet. They also don’t keep up with earth tabloids so they have no idea that she’s a homewrecker, harlot and whore.
3. The Build-A-Bear Store in a surburban American Mall
It’s just a phenomenal store that gives you so many options. Maybe too many options. Kristen Stewart may have just gone there and lost track of time. So she’s not in hiding at all. She’s just trying to pick out the right outfit for her new bear. You know, movie stars who never smile have their soft spots too.
4. The Us Weekly Control Room
She’s taking her turn as Hollywood’s favorite anonymous source by spilling as many celebrity secrets as she knows. Not because she wants to, but because celebrity law dictates that every A-lister must spend at least a week playing the “anonymous source” at the tabloids. It’s the circle of life and it’s actually a legal obligation if you star in a franchise that makes tween girls scream at record-breaking high pitches
5. Planning her wedding to Robert Pattinson….
…On Pinterest. Even though he won’t return her calls, she’s still going ahead with their plans to marry. So far she’s narrowed down her flatware options and she thinks she knows what kind of cake she wants. But as far as bridemaids dresses and centerpieces go, she’s totally lost!
6. The secret love chambers of Liberty Ross
Yes, this publicity stunt gets even more complicated as we discover that Kristen Stewart actually fell in love with Liberty Ross on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman. In an attempt to cover-up their obvious love affair and growing attraction, Rupert Sanders lured Kristen Stewart to the Hollywood sign and convinced her to let him dry-hump her for the cameras. But alas, that wasn’t enough to keep Kristen’s paws off Rupert’s wife. They’re expected to elope before Arbor Day.