• Fri, Aug 17 2012

The Only 6 Places Kristen Stewart Could Be Hiding Right Now

Like her famous homewrecking predecessors Carmen Sandiego and Waldo, Kristen Stewart disappeared off the face of the earth as soon as the news broke that Us Weekly caught her cheating on Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders. Americans immediately put her alleged infidelity up there with Keri Russell’s haircut, genocide and standing in the 10 items or less lane at the grocery store with more than 10 items.

Needless to say, she had to go into hiding for her own safety. Especially after this footage emerged on TMZ of Robert Pattinson fans outside the California mansion that she shared with him.

Day after day, people speculated on her whereabouts, trying to figure out her address so their unlabeled anthrax envelopes could reach her — and teach her a lesson about cheating on an American hero. An American hero who happens to be from England and happens to have left his brush there years ago, resulting in a never-ending ”I just rolled out of bed” look.

But after reading fan comments from all over the interweb and studying Kristen Stewart’s most recent interviews, I know where she’s hiding. Well, I’ve at least narrowed it down to these 10 places.

1. Jodie Foster’s personal panic room. 

This was was so duh to me that I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier. Not only is Jodie Foster obsessed with Kristen Stewart, but she also loves panic rooms. In fact, she’s so enamored with the concept that she made a movie about them. Did you know that? It starred a young Kristen Stewart and a slightly less fragile Jodie Foster.

2. Mars

She snuck onto the rover in an attempt to flee the planet and actually enjoys the solitude. Let’s just say space aliens don’t care if she wears converse on the red carpet. They also don’t keep up with earth tabloids so they have no idea that she’s a homewrecker, harlot and whore.

3. The Build-A-Bear Store in a surburban American Mall

It’s just a phenomenal store that gives you so many options. Maybe too many options. Kristen Stewart may have just gone there and lost track of time. So she’s not in hiding at all. She’s just trying to pick out the right outfit for her new bear. You know, movie stars who never smile have their soft spots too.

4. The Us Weekly Control Room

She’s taking her turn as Hollywood’s favorite anonymous source by spilling as many celebrity secrets as she knows. Not because she wants to, but because celebrity law dictates that every A-lister must spend at least a week playing the “anonymous source” at the tabloids. It’s the circle of life and it’s actually a legal obligation if you star in a franchise that makes tween girls scream at record-breaking high pitches

5. Planning her wedding to Robert Pattinson….

…On Pinterest. Even though he won’t return her calls, she’s still going ahead with their plans to marry. So far she’s narrowed down her flatware options and she thinks she knows what kind of cake she wants. But as far as bridemaids dresses and centerpieces go, she’s totally lost!

6. The secret love chambers of Liberty Ross

Yes, this publicity stunt gets even more complicated as we discover that Kristen Stewart actually fell in love with Liberty Ross on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman. In an attempt to cover-up their obvious love affair and growing attraction, Rupert Sanders lured Kristen Stewart to the Hollywood sign and convinced her to let him dry-hump her for the cameras. But alas, that wasn’t enough to keep Kristen’s paws off Rupert’s wife. They’re expected to elope before Arbor Day.

(Photo: Twicrackaddict)

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  • Nena

    Hey TMZmust know where she because they have a source saying she is mad because RS isnt getting blamed for the fake cheating

    • gie

      Well,actually i take a liking to the new Jenni Maier ’cause she’s somewhat now, on kristen stewart range,not monotonous Miley C..lambastment, extend your bashing to all..

    • Jenni

      Thank you?

    • Nena

      Hey Jenni, why do think they have let this go on so long? And why no one besides you and some on TMZ think this cheating is fake? Which as u know I agree

    • Jenni

      Because they’re building up suspense. Although people are growing tired of it now, so they better wrap it up soon. And to answer the second part of your question, I don’t know. It’s so obvious to me that I don’t get why more people don’t feel the same way.

    • nena

      Arnt they afraid this is going to bite them in the butt, that all the fans, media, interviewers, and all who believe it will be so mad that they dont go to the movies, cuz they were made a fool of? If it had been only a week or so but its almost too late, too many will be pissed. Do you think some people have been let in on it, like david chronoberg?

    • Jenni

      No, because I think 95% of people think it’s real so they won’t be mad at Robsten at all. They’ll be happy they worked it out. And no, I don’t think David Cronenberg is involved.

    • nena

      So yo dont tink they will come clean, just get back together? But that wont help KS and the trash talking. It wont help her reputation, or clear her name that she didnt cheat with a married man, I wouldnt want people to think tha about me if it wasnt true, or maybe she doesnt care.

    • steph

      I’m not so sure. These crazy Rob fans, will gladly follow him in whatever he does. If he takes it back, it will be because he is generous and forgiving, his fans will happily accept her back if they think he is happy!

    • Nena

      What?

  • Amanda

    Hi jenni, david’s comment when he and RP were interviewed by Time was interesting. It did sound like he knew there was something going on that nobody (but a chosen few) were aware of. What did you make of his comment. I am on my way out to my local Build a Bear shop (in melbourne) to see if KS is there. You may be right, she may be having trouble picking out an outfit. If i see her, i will let her know people are looking for her. I will let you know how i go.

  • Peony

    I think it is clear that Rob has moved on from Kristen(he even giggled when it was commented that Kristen shuld be kicked to the curb).I think eventually Kristen also will move on to her work and try and get past this stunt.I dont know why she agreed to this fiasco,because shes the only one who has suffered in this entire drama.Rob has become everybodys pet,The other idiots in the drama got their 5 minutes of fame,but Kristen has got lambasted by everybody who wants to be a somebody.I dont think they would try to arrange a reconcilation (that would make it obvious that this whole fiasco was staged.)So,no i dont think they will get back together.

  • Nena

    Oh course he giggled, what else was he to do. I have an idea but Jenni you have to set it up, notify US weekly when the reunion is to take place so they can set up alot of cameras and video aimed at their house, and the reunion could take place at first in the driveway. Then in the house, so that way we all have proof they are back together. Then all the crazy fans are happy and US weekly can sell more magazines!! And then all the media can speculate away for another few months until BD2 comes out

  • Just Saying

    Jenni I’ve loved reading all your articles about this PR stunt! I think you’ve got a really good bean on the whole story. How and when do you predict that the stunt will be concluded? Do you think it the manner that is used will allow Kristen to restore her reputation and allow Rob to restore his manly pride?

    • Jenni

      I think they’ll definitely reunite before Breaking Dawn, and I predict it’s close to right before so they can make their first public appearance together on the red carpet. Rob will get to be hypermasculine in the sense that he’s man enough to forgive K.Stew…and K.Stew will have “learned her lesson” and therefore be redeemed.

      Or so I guess…it’s all so crazy. But thanks for reading!

  • http://www.facebook.com/winapiz Winny Cruz

    In the not so far away future i see a nice dramatic follow up to that almost kiss to the ”Best on screen kiss award”. You know, that one back when the first twilight movie won their first movie award… And everyone was like; Oh! Look at that Emma Watson look alike wearing converse with a dress on the red carpet..!
    Anyways, i def see a lot of red carpet and on stage drama for the upcoming BD pt2 premiere. A make up kiss and a big box office hit for breaking dawn pt 2. Yup! That’s what i see. ;-)