• Fri, Aug 17 2012

For No Real Reason, I Still Get A Virgin Vibe From Kevin Jonas

In two days we’ll get the chance to go inside the home of Kevin Jonas and his wife Danielle Jonas in their new E! reality show  Married to Jonas. I’m already bored. But then again, I’ve never loved the Jonas Brothers as much as other people. Sure, I found their music catchy. But I also found their purity rings turn-offy. Sorry, I’m not sorry JoBros.

I just don’t get the point of telling everyone you’re a virgin. If you are, you are. If you aren’t, you aren’t. They always seem like a more subtle of telling the world that anyone who isn’t wearing one is a whore. But that could be my whore self talking. I did sleep with the entire basketball team in middle school. And that’s the high school basketball team if you’re asking. By the time I walked across the stage to get my high school diploma, I could tell you intimate details about 90% of the men in my graduating class — and 43% of the faculty.

That’s just what happens when you don’t wear a purity ring. You put an “open for business” sign on your vagina. It’s clunky and it affects your fashion choices, but that’s the way the world works.

As far as I understand, the other two Jonai, Joe Jonas and Nick Jonas, sold their purity rings to the devil a while back. But I could be wrong. I’m sure Jonas Brother fans will gladly let me know if that’s the case. (All I ask is that we keep the death threats to a minimum this weekend.)

But Kevin married Danielle as a virgin. And based on the interviews I keep seeing and reading leading up to their show’s premiere, I get the vibe that Kevin Jonas may still be a virgin. There’s nothing factual to back up my statement. Just an instinct. And the fact that he poses with Danielle in a cousin/acquaintance fashion — and not a “boom, this is the woman who stole my v-card” way.

So in the spirit of a completely irreverent Friday afternoon conversation based on pure instinct, weigh in below. Is Kevin Jonas still a virgin? Or am I just trying to  troll Jonas Brother fans in an attempt to get murdered this weekend?

(Photo: Nikki Nelson / WENN.com)

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  • Nancy

    LOL Jenni, you seriously become more hilarious with every post! “Is Kevin Jonas still a virgin? Or am I just trying trolling Jonas Brother fans in an attempt to get murdered this weekend?” <——Just awesome

    • Jenni

      So far, so alive. But the weekend is still young.

  • keinelledidit

    I’m a “church girl”. (I became a church girl at 19. And revoked my “open for business” sign. Those purity rings sure are easier to accessorize with.) Either way, I know a lot of “church couples” who wait to have sex ’til they are married. I’d say Kevin is no longer a virgin, but definitely waited. Most people who wait ’til marriage fall into one of two camps (generalizations for the win!): a) OVER SHARE DETAILS couple. In all caps. They’re at 2nd base by the end of service & running out to “brunch” before the last song gets to the bridge. b) Super-blushy, shy, extra-appropriate in public. Details are scant. Keinielle falls into the latter. If you’ve watched the first episode (free on iTunes, and no I don’t have any shame; why do you ask?) Kev comes across as a total horn dog. Like a recently-deflowered-virgin ready to enjoy the good stuff, again.

  • Cara

    I seriously love Crushable. This shit cracks me up. Anywho, maybe Kevin just isn’t a sexual person. Or maybe he’s gay… definitely get a John Travolta/Tom Cruise feeling from the guy. His beard’s hair is cute though!

    • Jenni

      I seriously love you! (In a non creepy way!) And yes, her hair looks fabulous. What do you think her secret is? 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner?

  • seriouslygetaclue

    Kevin Jonas is GAY……………………….

    • Jenni

      I still think he’s a virgin. Maybe a gay virgin, but either way a card-carrying member of the Virginity Club.

  • Sofia

    Jajajaja I love you Jenni. I enjoy sooo much your articles!!!

  • esther

    it sucks for kevin that if only he’d become famous AFTER getting married, there’d never have been any of this gay/virgin speculation. then he’d just be another sweetheart married celebrity.

    anyway, i appreciate your attempt to introduce a new joke about kevin – his facial hair. clap clap. i haven’t actually heard that one before. it wasn’t that funny, but it was a good effort to try something different after the same tired old “Kevin jonas is GHEY! HIS wife is/has a BEARD! HE’s a virgin!”

    good for you jenni! keep at this writing thing! you might get somewhere with it someday!

    • esther

      whoops my mistake, the facial hair joke was in the other article of yours i just read – about Married to Jonas. boy is my face red.

      so that means, there was actually nothing new in this article. oh well. better luck next time!

    • Jenni

      This is the positive attitude I’m talking about. Esther you are BRINGING it today and you’re bringing it hard. XOXO!

    • Cara

      That’s not the kind of beard I was referring to, honey.

    • esther

      Really? Because I thought you were referring to the nice shiny hair on his wife’s head.

      Did you actually mean that Kevin’s facial hair is cute? *confused*

      In my quote I was attempting to reproduce the usual kinds of garbled comments ill-informed people make about Kevin’s wife. Maybe that wasn’t clear?

    • Jenni

      Hey Esther! Thanks for the positive encouragement! To think I almost resigned today! Sometimes it’s commenters like you that make all the difference in whether I keep up with my writing or I go work in the coal mines with the rest of my family. It’s just, I don’t know. I think I’m meant for bigger things than mining and I guess, I just want to say thank you for believing in me.

  • Kelli

    I’m so sick and tired of haters saying crap about the Jonas brothers. I will say Kevin isint the manliest of males. He’s had a crazy life and he acts like a regular stupid guy on the show. I mean renting a backhoe and wrecking it into thier gate? No gay guy does that. Besides he seems very sweet always doing things for his inlaws. I’d marry him. Although I would have a problem keeping my hands and mouth off my brothers in law. I have this theory that Nick Jonas jizz tastes like Christmas. If given half a chance I would find out.

  • Frenchie

    How, exactly, does one pose with a woman that shouts “This is the woman that stole my V-Card” Dry humping? Butt fondling? Did it occur to anyone that possibly these are two people that aren’t into PDA?
    Lord have mercy.

    • Jenni

      Is butt fondling even legal on cable TV?

  • Emily

    I think the way they talk about sex and other things shows that they are intimate and seriously in love. So.. I’m pretty sure he’s not. You need to watch it more. I used to think Kevin was. Ugly. But goddamn is he sexy now. And he does act sort of gay.. But he also is rich and snooty.

  • http://twitter.com/OhMyKevinJ 6minuteswithkevinj

    YOU PEOPLE STILL THINKING HE’S GAY? OMG THAT IS RIDICULOUS, AND HILARIOUS. THAT’S NOT TRUE OK GET A LIFE AND STOP JONAS HATE.