• Fri, Aug 17 2012

If Katie Holmes Makes Suri Cruise Do One More Normal Kid Thing, She’s Going To File For Custody Of Herself.

While it’s strange that I know Suri Cruise better than her own mother, it’s becoming shockingly clear that I’m the only one in her figurative extended family that cares about what she needs to thrive as a miniature diva.

Day after day, I hear another report about Katie Holmes forcing Suri to be “normal” and “like other children.” First we hear rumors that Suri Cruise will stop wearing expensive designer clothing, then we learn she’s going to attend school FIVE DAYS A WEEK and now on top off all this horrificness, we get word that she had to visit Ohio (gross) and share her toys with her cousins.

Can you believe the audacity of Katie Holmes to ask Suri Cruise to share her toys with her Midwestern cousins. Cousins who grew up in the suburbs and don’t know the first thing about Paris Fashion Week.

Frankly, it’s horrifying. And I just know, in my heart of Scientology hearts, that Tom Cruise would never ask Suri to do something so pedestrian.

Apparently this incident went down this week when Katie Holmes flew Suri Cruise to Ohio on a non-private plane and introduced her to her large extended family. Radar Online has so many details on the event that they either attended the family reunion or an intern dreamed the whole event up and still felt comfortable pitching it at a meeting. Either way, fascinating stuff.

“Now he is out of the picture, Katie decided Suri should meet her eight cousins for the first time in an attempt to give her a normal childhood, away from the glitz and glamor she had become accustomed to. It’ll take some getting used to for Suri, because she always gets things her own way. At first, she wasn’t thrilled with the idea of sharing some of her toys with her cousins when they all played together.But, soon enough, Suri won them all over with her bubbly personality and they can’t wait to have her visit again.”

And now on a Friday when we’re supposed to spend the day fantasizing about how we’ll spend the weekend and exactly how much SPF 75 we’ll have to apply so we don’t burn, we’re stuck worrying about Suri Cruise. A child who’s actually living out the plot of the movie The Little Princess. You know, minus the whole dead-not-dead father thing.

While you may think I’m exaggerating and wringing my hands over nothing, I fear this is only the only beginning of Suri’s transformation from a fashion icon to someone who enthusiastically shops at Gap Kids. It’s tragic and it’s true and we’re all bearing witness to to this American horror story.

(Photo: Wenn.com)

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  • GetALife

    Wow – you need to get out of the house more and get a life.

    • Jenni

      What makes you say that? Because, honestly your name makes you sound biased and like you’re working toward some kind of agenda.

  • JenniIsIgnorant

    First off, it’s a made up name – obviously. Secondly, I say it because according to you, you know more about a child than their own mother does – perhaps if you got out more, this wouldn’t be the case.

    Who are you to A) Say Ohio is gross? Every place has “gross” areas but to say a whole state (and i’m a Ny-er if you’re wondering) is gross is just mean and nasty – but after reading some of your dribble, I wouldn’t expect much more from you. B) That it is horrific for a child to go to school five days a week. Um, what is your suggestion on this? That she shouldn’t go to school at all so you can then write a blog on how she doesn’t understand the value of a dollar like you did with Kim K? Which i’m not a fan of either but c’mon here! With the way Suri was going she would have been a mini Kim K in no time and then you’d be writing about how obnoxious it is. Keep your dribble consistent. C) For you to call this an American horror story clearly says to me that you don’t get out because if you did and maybe bought a newspaper (okay okay, so you don’t have to go out but maybe put the computer down, turn on the news and learn something), you’d see there are many other things going on in the world that would be considered an American Horror Story. The suicide rate for our American soldiers is as high as it’s ever been – perish the thought you bring real news. Instead you share your ignorance, nastyness and opinions that don’t matter to anyone but yourself.

    And thus why I said what I said.

    I just noticed that indeed you are a parent. Do your children not go to school every day? Do you dress them up in nothing but name brand clothes? Do you teach them that sharing isn’t caring and it’s best to be a selfish little shit? I’m only asking because you seem to have a big problem that Suri was sharing her toys with family. If anything is a horror, it is you and your blogs.

    I’ll change my name for you – better?

    • Jenni

      A) I flew over Ohio once and therefore I feel qualified to make these statements.

      B) I dropped out of school in the middle of second grade and I turned out fine.

      C) I watch E! news all the time thank you very much.

      D) Unlike you, I did not notice I am a parent. So I actually have a lot to think about now that I have children. For example, how many hours of reality TV should I let them watch when I let them skip school?

      E) This name still sounds false to me.

      F) I’m also a New Yorker! Perhaps we can grab coffee one day?

    • DumbJenni

      A) Who knew flying over Ohio made you such an experct. HA!
      B) AHHHHHHH – now I get it!
      C) Um, E! News doesn’t qualify as news. Try real news that doesn’t involve a celebrity.
      D) Oh god – there will be more of you in the future? Nice to know you want your children as ignorant and dumb as you are.
      E) Too bad your stupidity isn’t fake.
      F) Nope, i’m saving my change to give to your kids when they are homeless due to no education for a job. Blogging isn’t a job. You’re just one of the many parasites.

    • Jenni

      A) The more you know!
      B) I thought you would.
      C) I subscribe to the American Girl magazine, and that’s not celeb news.
      D) Let’s set up a play date.
      E) I pride myself on being genuine so it’s good to see you recognize that
      F) You’re too kind!

    • http://twitter.com/margaretbarreca Margaret M. Barreca

      I’m dying this comment thread is hysterical — if I were the genius above I’d reply: “You’re not actually dying, if you were you wouldn’t be able to type. Also, I don’t think it’s hysterical unless you, like Jenni, don’t believe children should go to school, etc. You moron you.”

    • Larissa

      Definition of SATIRE
      1: a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn2: trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or follyLearn it. Love it. Live it.

  • WatchTheNews

    Well i’m done playing with your stupidity. Was fun though. Now it’s off to the Hamptons. I know, not as much fun as pondering the whole Kristin/Paterson BS but someone has to give those second grade education bloggers something to write about. Might as well be me. Ciao :)

  • Dyani

    I feel like this article is a collection of comments the author read on “Suris Burn Book”. Way to phone it in, Mommyish

    • justme

      hahaha!! I LOVE that blog!! awesome!

  • lipsy

    I love your articles personally. They are blatently to have a laugh and half hearted..but what I love more is how you retaliate to peoples stupid comments and they still argue as if you are serious..you always have the last laugh, good on u :-)

    • Jenni

      Truly one of the best parts of my job! I love my fans, but I’m OBSESSED with my haters. They’re so fun to talk to!

  • amma

    To people getting mad about this, the author is JOKING. She’s being
    facetious. How is everyone missing this? Good lord

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