• Wed, Aug 15 2012

I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: The Hair That Miley Cyrus Cut Off

I don’t feel sorry for you, the hair that Miley Cyrus cut off. Not for the fact that you are no longer attached to Miley Cyrus’s head. And this is why.

You’ve been effectively terminated. Lopped off, left on the cutting room floor, so to speak. It never feels good to be dropped. And since you were the locks on Miley Cyrus’s head, you will never again be grabbed by Liam Hemsworth in a moment of passion (be it good or bad passion, I’d take either and I’m sure you would too). And that sucks. But I maintain that the good outweighs the bad here. You have escaped a lot by no longer being attached to Miley Cyrus.

First and foremost, you have escaped being featured in Miley Cyrus’s incessant stream of twitpics. If there ever was a tweety tween that relied way too heavily on her pouty-face, thick mascara and social media for charm, it’s Miley. And you used to be all wrapped up in that public neediness, in a topknot, like the cherry on top of a please-everyone-think-I’m-pretty sundae. I mean seriously. She reminds me of the few fourteen-year-olds I’m friends with on Facebook (don’t judge) who post over-exposed close-up thermal-image pictures of their freshly gooped-up eyes in an expression that’s somewhere between sexy and fear. Who told today’s tweens that a liberal application of Wet-N-Wild eyeliner a beauty makes? It doesn’t! If we’ve learned anything from One Direction’s vaguely offensive song “Beautiful,” which I hope we have, it’s that you are most beautiful when you aren’t trying. Right? Hello? “You don’t know you’re beautiful. And that’s what makes you beautiful.” Sigh. Miley has so much to learn. But lucky you, you no longer have to be in those pics Miley tweets of herself peering into her iPhone as if it’s a dick she’s about to suck but is also slightly afraid of.

By no longer being connected to Miley Cyrus, you have narrowly escaped having to appear on Two and a Half Men, where Miley will be guest starring. Yes, I know Ashton Kutcher is going to be there. But appearing on that show would not be good for your career. Yes, I understand that you have no career sitting on the floor of a salon. Again, that is better than appearing on that show. Two and a Half Men is aimed for the lowest common denominator of a sense of humor. It is for people who don’t know if something’s funny unless a studio audience is laughing. Coincidentally, that studio audience is also cued to laugh when they’re in the studio, so really, it may be the best drama on television and we’re just framing it wrong. Whatever it is, in its current form, you do not want to be on Two and a Half Men. Trust me.

You have been officially severed from a history of bad hair and hair abuse. I mean, look at Billy Ray Cyrus’s multitude of hair missteps. The mullet? The Man Rachel? The Scarecrow? That Cyrus family will not stop until they humiliate every hair on their head. And when they’re done with that, they’ll hook up with other terribly-tressed stars. Miley’s mother went so far as to have an affair with Bret Michaels! His hair looks like the silk you pull out of corn on the cob if you give it a really good tug. You are lucky you got out when you did. Miley was one left turn away from one of those black-underneath-platinum-on-top hair-dos that you see on Jwoww and in truck stop bathrooms.

Look. A lot of people are going to say Miley was better off with you. And that’s going to make you feel sorry for yourself and throw yourself a pity party. But you’re better off without her. Trust me. I wish you well. I hope a homeless man doesn’t find you and do something weird with you.

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