I donâ€™t feel sorry for you, the hair thatÂ Miley Cyrus cut off. Not for the fact that you are no longer attached to Miley Cyrus’s head. And this is why.
Youâ€™ve been effectively terminated. Lopped off, left on the cutting room floor, so to speak. It never feels good to be dropped. And since you were the locks on Miley Cyrusâ€™s head, you will never again be grabbed by Liam HemsworthÂ in a moment of passion (be it good or bad passion, Iâ€™d take either and Iâ€™m sure you would too). And that sucks. But I maintain that the good outweighs the bad here. You have escaped a lot by no longer being attached to Miley Cyrus.
First and foremost, you have escaped being featured in Miley Cyrus’s incessant stream of twitpics. If there ever was a tweety tween that relied way too heavily on her pouty-face, thick mascara and social media for charm, itâ€™s Miley. And you used to be all wrapped up in that public neediness, in a topknot, like the cherry on top of a please-everyone-think-Iâ€™m-pretty sundae. I mean seriously. She reminds me of the few fourteen-year-olds Iâ€™m friends with on Facebook (donâ€™t judge) who post over-exposed close-up thermal-image pictures of their freshly gooped-up eyes in an expression thatâ€™s somewhere between sexy and fear. Who told today’s tweens that a liberal application of Wet-N-Wild eyeliner a beauty makes? It doesnâ€™t! If we’ve learned anything from One Directionâ€™s vaguely offensive song â€śBeautiful,â€ť which I hope we have, it’s that you are most beautiful when you arenâ€™t trying. Right? Hello? â€śYou donâ€™t know youâ€™re beautiful. And thatâ€™s what makes you beautiful.â€ť Sigh. Miley has so much to learn. But lucky you, you no longer have to be in those pics Miley tweets of herself peering into her iPhone as if itâ€™s a dick sheâ€™s about to suck but is also slightly afraid of.
By no longer being connected to Miley Cyrus, you have narrowly escaped having to appear on Two and a Half Men, where Miley will be guest starring. Yes, I know Ashton Kutcher is going to be there. But appearing on that show would not be good for your career. Yes, I understand that you have no career sitting on the floor of a salon. Again, that is better than appearing on that show. Two and a Half MenÂ is aimed for the lowest common denominator of a sense of humor. It is for people who donâ€™t know if somethingâ€™s funny unless a studio audience is laughing. Coincidentally, that studio audience is also cued to laugh when theyâ€™re in the studio, so really, it may be the best drama on television and weâ€™re just framing it wrong. Whatever it is, in its current form, you do not want to be on Two and a Half Men. Trust me.
You have been officially severed from a history of bad hair and hair abuse. I mean, look at Billy Ray Cyrusâ€™s multitude of hair missteps. The mullet? The Man Rachel? The Scarecrow? That Cyrus family will not stop until they humiliate every hair on their head. And when theyâ€™re done with that, theyâ€™ll hook up with other terribly-tressed stars. Mileyâ€™s mother went so far as to have an affair with Bret Michaels! His hair looks like the silk you pull out of corn on the cob if you give it a really good tug. You are lucky you got out when you did. Miley was one left turn away from one of those black-underneath-platinum-on-top hair-dos that you see on Jwoww and in truck stop bathrooms.
Look. A lot of people are going to say Miley was better off with you. And thatâ€™s going to make you feel sorry for yourself and throw yourself a pity party. But youâ€™re better off without her. Trust me. I wish you well. I hope a homeless man doesn’t find you and do something weird with you.