Look, I love these girls. I watched every moment of gymnastics during this Olympics, including the trials (yes, that was before the opening ceremonies). I swear by the end of the games I had parts of Aly Raisman‘s floor routine memorized. But something just doesn’t feel right about them wearing anything other than America-themed spandex.
They’ve been on Letterman, they’ve hung out at the New York Stock Exchange, they’ve probably skipped or gallivanted or done backflips or walked on their hands through Times Square — I’m not sure how one chooses to travel when one’s body can do pretty much anything you dream up. But they’ve done it all in strangely shaped dresses, in metallic tops, in kitten heels, in ill-fitting skinny jeans.
Maybe we can blame the clothes. Ally’s dress here is cute, but it’s just not flattering — it’s too big and the color washes her out, and the shoes are too clunky and cut off her leg in the worst place. Gabby Douglas’ dress is just a strange shape and print, and the shoes do not belong on a 16-year-old. Kyla Ross, I feel you girl, skinnies are always too long on me too, but come on, she just won a gold medal you think they can grab the girl a tailor! And I’m just not feeling that shirt on my girl Jordyn Wieber– too boxy.
All this can only bring me to one conclusion: The Fierce Five were born to wear leotards. When you have bodies like these, normal clothes are a waste of time and money. If you can’t see the six-packs through the outfit, what’s the point?
I mean…hello? Have you ever seen anything more natural looking? I don’t know ladies, for the rest of these appearances, I’m thinking leotards or bust. Sure you might be tired of wearing them every day of your lives and I’m sure those things chafe like no other, but if you guys can’t parade around looking like superheroes all the time, no one can. And that would be a tragedy, don’t you think?
[Sidebar: All Olympics it was about the "Fab Five" and now suddenly we've switched names? Do you think it's because someone finally realized the Fab Five are black and play basketball, or because it was decided that the group should be named after McKayla Maroney's face?]
Speaking of McKayla Maroney, remember everything I just said about how odd/uncomfortable/awkward/horribly strange our girls look in regular clothes? When it comes to McKayla, forget it all. It’s like the girl was born to be a gymnast-turned-meme-turned-starlet. Is everyone seeing this fitted LBD with the peplum detail? I had my suspicions ever since she did that rather showy pose in NBC’s little spot about them. Do you know the one I’m talking about? Whipping her head over her shoulder to look at you with that piercing stare, chest and butt out, back arched — that one. I didn’t see it before, but now I’m thinking McKayla just has the face for celebrity. She’s got the Kardashian toothless smile-seductive eye-chin tilt combo down, and everyone knows that’s all you need to make it as a socialite. Watch out Hollywood, McKayla is coming for you.
The rest of the girls? Well, they should stick to the spandex.
(Photos: EnriqueRc/PacificCoastNews.com, Facebook)