• Tue, Aug 14 2012

Just Like Mission Impossible, The Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Custody Battle Will Have Unnecessary Sequels

In exciting news from anonymous sources, Tom Cruise allegedly plans on asking for custody of his daugther Suri Cruise once his filming schedule clears up. That’s right! Just when you started worrying that Katie Holmes divorced Tom Cruise and married the mayor of Boringsville, USA, we get news that America’s most brainwashed family will be back in the headlines.

So grab your popcorn, grab your copy of Dianetics and grab that $169000 Mary-Kate and Ashley backpack you bought Suri for her first day of school that Katie Holmes so rudely returned to you. It’s time for a real custody battle. One that won’t get solved in just a few days over a little “if you try to get custody of Suri, I’ll tell everyone you’re gay” blackmail.

According to Showbiz Spy he’s going to spend enough quality time with his daughter that a judge won’t be able to resist giving him custody. Or if the judge does resist, scientologists will just kill her. Really, it’s a win-win for Tom Cruise.

Tom plans on taking a break from movies after his current crop of projects ends so he can spend more one-on-one time with Suri.

“He needs to prove he’s just as reliable as Katie,” a confidante explains, “that spending time with his daughter as important to him as having a hit film.

“Tom is absolutely planning on going after custody of Suri in the future.

Unfortunately for us, this plan’s not on a tight schedule. So we could be talking days or weeks or years. I mean, by the time Tom Cruise gets enough quality time in with his daughter, he could be remarried to Taylor Swift and divorced again. Or even worse, Suri Cruise could enjoy attending school and doing other routine things.

Picking up and just jetting off to Disney World may no longer be an option.

So speaking as someone who’s never met either party, I would say he shouldn’t take his time with this one. Damn collecting evidence that you’re a good father. Call your lawyer and just go for it!

Because summer TV’s really getting old and I need something new to entertain me.

(Photo: Pacific Coast News & Stefan Jeremiah/WENN.com)

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  • fuyao

    what a garbage article

    • Jenni

      Like the story is garbage? The writing is garbage? You printed this out and threw it in the garbage to make a point? Let me know!

    • kate

      @Jenni_Maier:disqus, you crack me up. your articles, and your pithy comments underneath them

    • Jenni

      Thank you! I do aspire to be a fulltime commenter one day. A girl can dream!

  • Stewart

    What a repugnant attitude the author has – finding it “boring” that they worked things out, and thinking someone’s divorce is there just to distract their uninspired mind from their empty soulless life.

    • Jenni

      Do you mind if I quote you on my Linkedin in the references section?