Sometimes I can’t believe people pay me to write whatever I want about celebrities like Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. That’s how celebrity body language experts must feel every single time they open their mouth and get paid to give their professional opinion.
“The 43 degree angle between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt indicates that they fought last night, and the fact that Brad is standing on her right means it probably was over a TV show that he forgot to DVR, even though she asked him 6 times to do it.”
“Do you see the way Dakota Fanning looks straight ahead in this photo of her on the red carpet? Clearly indicative that she’s on a red carpet and likely feeling some sort of human emotion as she prepare to enter the awards show.”
“You don’t need to look too hard at the way Jessica Simpson holds her new daughter to see that the way she cradles the baby shows that she doesn’t want to drop her.”
This is not a science. It is common sense, logic and educated guessing. Which is why I don’t understand why this article on Hollywood Life titled, “Robert Pattinson Is Sad & Angry On At ‘Cosmopolis’ Premiere, Says Expert“ even got published.
Despite several photos of the star smiling on the Cosmopolis red carpet last night, they chose the one where he’s not smiling. Keep in mind, he’s not frowning or weeping or burning Kristen Stewart’s clothing. He’s just not smiling. Which happens sometimes to a person. While we know that, Dr. Glass doesn’t seem as convinced.
“Rob is sad and serious,” Dr. Glass tells us. “He has his hand all the way in his pockets, which indicates he has something to hide. We usually never seen Rob’s eyes becuase he is usually photographed around Kristen with a genuine smile and eyes krinkling. Here he is so serious and we actualy see what color his eyes are now.”
Yes, Rob’s hands in his pockets indicate he’s hiding something. Perhaps his hands? Do his hands hold the secret to how he feels about Kristen Stewart cheating on him with Rupert Sanders in a highly-trafficked tourist destination? Or perhaps, he’s hiding a book. In case he gets bored during the premiere. After all, he acted in the movie, he knows what’s going to happen. It’s never a bad idea to bring a book, just in case.
Or they could be the keys to his heart. Which conveniently double as the keys to Reese Witherspoon’s pool house.
Whatever it is, I’m concerned about Dr. Glass. Her needless insertion that his eyes krinkle around Kristen Stewart make me fear she’s on team Robsten. Why does this matter? Well, obviously this will cloud her judgement when it comes to truly assessing the deep meaning behind Robert Pattinson placing his hands in his pockets.
In related news, I have a new challange for Dr. Glass. This is how I looked typing this article. What does it mean? How do I feel?
(Photo: Pacific Coast News)