Today, August 13th, is an auspicious date: It’s the day that Edward Anthony Masen Cullen and Isabella Marie Swan got married, killing two birds with one stone and letting Bella finally get laid plus become an immortal vampire. Every year, Twilight fans have marked the occasion with emotional blog posts, .gif sets, and fan fiction about where the happy family is now. But this year, August 13th is a dark date, because Kristen Stewart supposedly broke poor Robert Pattinson‘s heart, and “Robsten” is over. (Coincidentally — or not?! — tonight also marks R. Pattz’s first public appearance since the cheating scandal broke, when he’ll be promoting his new movie Cosmopolis on The Daily Show. So, fans are currently shitting themselves on Tumblr either way.)
If you’re going by the movies, it’s been only a year since Edward and Bella finally tied the knot. However, the Twihards have set up an exhaustive timeline spanning when the books were actually published, and they’ve calculated that the Cullens got hitched on August 13, 2006, making today their sixth anniversary. Assuming Rob and Kristen started dating shortly after they started filming the first Twilight movie, they’ve been together for three of those six celebrations. Whether they just laughed off the fictional date, or went in the complete opposite direction and role-played as Edward and Bella every August 13th, they must have recognized the significance every year.
There are some fans who can separate Robsten from the Cullens and can celebrate their favorite literary couple’s sixth anniversary with only a twinge of bittersweet feeling. But who are we kidding? Of course you’re thinking about Edward and Bella’s real-life counterparts, whose is-it-real-is-it-a-stunt break-up has marred the day. We know that, like Bella about to go down the aisle, you’re terrified and confused and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. So we’ve compiled a list of coping mechanisms that will get you through the day.
Try on Bella’s wedding dress. We know you already have the hair clip and replica engagement ring.
Refresh Stephenie Meyer’s website until she releases a statement about Robsten breaking up. That’ll kill a few hours.
Order some mushroom ravioli, just like Bella and Edward had on their first date. (But first read our taste test.)
Put Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” on repeat and don’t care how loud you sound singing along.
Buy yourself iron crafts from Etsy, because iron is the typical gift for a sixth anniversary. Searching “Twilight iron” on Etsy brings up an odd assortment of items, mostly iron-on badges and a creepy but cool dripping-blood pendant made out of iron.
Reblog Edward/Bella quotes on your Tumblr. Like this one:
The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he always be mine. (Bella Swan, New Moon)
Reread your favorite Crushable articles about Twilight, from an evaluation of The Honeymoon Scene, to whether Bella will become a thinspo motivator for girls with eating disorders, to ranking the sighs and squeals at last year’s midnight screening of Breaking Dawn, Part 1. (Because we know you’ve already commented obsessively on all our Robsten coverage.)
Find some Twilight role-playing groups on Tumblr: You can claim a character or just read the interactive fanfic other fans write. Somewhere in there there must be RP of Rob and Kristen getting back together.
Finally pick up Fifty Shades of Grey, to return to the simple times when Bella’s biggest problem was whether she was on her period when Edward wanted to have his way with her.
Comfort yourself with how well-off Rob is without “K-Slut” (oh, Tumblr), by reading this great piece from the New York Post. Because now that you think about it, Britney Spears cheated on Justin Timberlake, and he was by far the winner of that relationship.
Watch The Daily Show tonight to see if Jon Stewart goes there with his questioning and if Rob is willing to open up to a comedic take on this media shitshow. And click over to Crushable tomorrow morning for our commentary!
Thumbnail: Summit Entertainment