Hello Anonymous Source,
Don’t worry, I still don’t know who you are exactly or why you know everything.
But I do know that you know too much about everything happening in Hollywoodland. That you have too much insider information on the biggest A-list celebrties. That you’re personally responsible for turning this entire “Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson” scandal into a three-ring circus. Without you slowly leaking information out every single day about this couple, the story would have died. But now, you’ve kept it alive by fanning the flames with all your juicy gossip.
Suddenly you’re playing both sides of the field with information on how Kristen Stewart’s slowly drowning in a sea of her own tears while Robert Pattinson’s gone completely numb from watching endless episodes of Antiques Roadshow.
We went from knowing NOTHING about this extremely secretive couple to knowing when they’re going to the bathroom — and how long they spend in there crying over this affair. Ever since the publicity stunt started with photos reveling that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with director Rupert Sanders, you’ve been in the thick of it.
Anonymous source says this, anonymous source says that. Anonymous source says Robert Pattinson wore Reese Witherspoon’s pajamas to bed to see how it felt, just once and just the tips.
Which brings me to the now obvious fact. You’re the world’s worst friend. The most horrible confidante that ever lived. If Golden Girls got recreated in 2012 and turned into a reality show, you’d be the first one voted off. When people promise to your best friend, they never say forever. Because they know it’s really BFUTOMFG. That stands for Best Friends Until Tabloids Offer Money For Gossip.
And no, you won’t find that necklace hanging on the walls of Claire’s.
Try the clearance bin at Wet Seal. Maybe. Maybe.
Every time disaster strikes, you’re there, waiting to give a quote. Feigning concern for the celebrity and pretending like you’re just telling this to the world for the celeb’s own good. Everyone needs to know her most intimate details, to help her help herself. You fancy yourself to be the Mother Teresa of celebrity gossip. A social worker for the rich and famous. Except no one asked you. No one ever pulled you aside and said, “please, here are my deepest and darkest secrets, I’d like you to tell the world…but please, keep it anonymous. If anyone knew my mother knew this, I’d be ruined. Destroyed!”
Sharing your information with the world without naming yourself doesn’t make you brave, it makes you unbelieveable. You’re not an informant on a global drug trafficking case. There’s no death threat hanging over your head for telling us you are and why you’re sharing this private information. You’re giving us supposedly valuable information on celebrities. If you want us to believe it, show your face — or at least your name, so we can stalk the Internet for your face.
Hearing Kristen Stewart’s personal assistant tell us that she’s drunk texting Rob every night makes us much more likely to believe the story. After all, an anonymous source could be anyone. A magazine editor, an intern trying to impress her magazine editor with her ability to get a scoop, the celebrity herself trying to build publicity around an upcoming project.
Do you see what I’m saying here Anonymous Source. This has gone on too long. It’s time to reveal yourself. It time to let your true colors show.
Otherwise, we’re moving onto someone far more valuable in terms of reporting: the Hollywood insider. At least we know that she/he’s an insider! Someone who knows what’s up in the world of celebrities.
Just someone who NEEDS to know the truth
(Photo: Chicks in the Huddle)