While diehard music aficionados who prefer to keep their Spotify accounts connected to their Facebook accounts flocked to Twitter to bemoan the horror that is One Direction, I applauded London for making a brave choice. For being courageous enough to hire Zayn Malik, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne and Niall Horan to sing their self-esteem boosting hit “What Makes You Beautiful.”
In an era when they could have hired a safe choice like JK Rowling or Madonna’s Accent or even Willow Smith, they made the bold choice to hire a group who’s collective ages make it illegal for 33% of the global population to even call them cute.
But just because they’re young and just because their performance caused your parents to text you, “what is a one direction and why am I oddly attracted to them” doesn’t mean that they’re too immature to perform at the 2012 Olympic closing ceremonies.
Especially not when it comes to notorious lady-killer Harry Styles, the band member famous for seducing several women in their 30s. Married women! It takes a special kind of curly-haired moppet to make that happen.
Ain’t that right Caroline Flack. Nudge, nudge, wink.
And that’s why we’re not surprised at the rumors leaking into the states that Harry Styles used his performance to seduce the Queen. That he locked eyes with her and wordlessly convinced her to remove her bra and wave it in the air.
That with just one glance, she felt comfortable signing over her entire kingdom to him. With one furtive wink, he changed the course of British history as we know it — as well as the comfortable age gap between cougar and cougee.
Don’t worry that you didn’t see her there. It’s hard to spot someone already hidden in the depths of Harry’s soul.
Of course, there’s no proof yet of any of this happening. I’m just saying if we read about this in the morning papers, I wouldn’t be surprised. And I wouldn’t want you to be either.
Watch footage of the boys performing on a flatbed trailer (over and over) right here:
( GIFS: Reality TV GIFS)