• Fri, Aug 10 2012

A Guy Says: Live Births Should Be Live Broadcasts

Kristin Cavallari live birth The Hills reality TV broadcast Jessica Simpson moneyKristin Cavallari gave birth this week. And a hearty congratulations is due to her! If you don’t remember who Kristin Cavallari is, she was a mean young lady on The Hills, which is relative because everyone on that show was mean.

She made the announcement with little fanfare on Twitter Tuesday night, which is troubling. From a reality star like Kristin, I was expecting more. A video? A meme? An Instagram pic using a filter that would have shown us what it would’ve looked like if Kristin Cavallari had been giving birth in the ’50s? Something!

But we got nothing, and that is disturbing.

What’s happened to celebrities? They aren’t regular people. They can’t announce a birth with a tweet. That’s something regular people do. Celebrities have to do births better.

If celebrities want to birth babies like regular people, then they shouldn’t have the option of selling the first pictures of their newborn to PeopleI can’t do that if I have a baby. In fact, I’ve been trying to, but they won’t print those pictures! I want those pictures back if you aren’t going to print them People!

So, celebrities need to step it up, and pictures aren’t enough. Neither is simply documenting the birth, though. What about the whole birthing process? Did Jessica Simpson take advantage of the end of her pregnancy to kick-start her career? Yes. But the question is: Why didn’t she take advantage of the entire pregnancy? They should be going soup to nuts with this thing.

Nuts, of course, being the easiest way to capitalize on this missed opportunity. We need to find away to attach microscopic cameras to individual sperm. That way we’ll be able to document the epic journey of a sperm’s death at the periphery of the egg in full HD. It would be like The Lord of the Rings, just with fewer rings and more wieners. They could even release a new video during each trimester. It could be a miniseries: “This week on Watch a Sperm Die: Another sperm dies.”

And it would be so easy for women to get involved. I mean, I don’t want to be accused of being sexist or exclusive. Ladies, don’t you think ultrasounds are invasive? Yeah, me too. Cold goo being rubbed on a pregnant stomach by a complete stranger? That’s a little close for my liking, which is why all woman should be equipped with an intra-uteral digital camera when they first discover they’re pregnant.

There are a few advantages to this. We can cut down on procedures for the mother, going from three or four invasive ultrasounds to one noninvasive internal camera installation. Also, it gives us one more camera angle to enjoy during the birth. Imagine the kind of money People would fork over for that kind of video. Probably at least $200 dollars.

Krisin missed an incredible opportunity to turn her career around. Imagine the kind of work she’d get after realizing her intra-uteral birthing video. Actually, I don’t want to imagine it, but it would probably be better than being on The Hills.

So, with these suggestions and another pregnancy I’m sure Kristin Cavallari can get things right. Her career and the future of celebrity birthing culture are at stake.

Photo: WENN.com

You can reach this post's author, Harry Barron, on twitter.
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