Happy birthday to Kylie Jenner, daughter of Kris and Bruce Jenner and half-sister to all manner of Kardashian hybrids like Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and even Brody Jenner! Obviously her mom’s side of the family is more famous than her dad’s side, because making and sex tape with Ray J is much more difficult and impressive than winning an Olympic gold medal…ergo it deserves more fame and attention. ANYWAY. Kylie was born on August 10th, 1997 (agh!) so she is 15 years old today. And this is the part where I have a bone to pick with reality television, because Kylie Jenner is only a teenager, and she’s already accomplished way more than me. And way more than you, too. Sorry to break it to you like this.
Because think about it. As of right now, Kylie is already a reality TV star because of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but she also has her own show coming out with sister Kendall Jenner,which I’m guessing will be called Smell That? We’re Famous, which can only make her richer and more famouser. She’s also a model, having worked for Sears, OK!, and Teen Vogue, and done runway work for Avril Lavigne‘s collection — which I’m sure is beautiful, beautiful bullshit — and Forever 21. She and Kendall also work with Seventeen as the magazine’s Style Ambassadors. Nothing like having a job at a magazine named for an age that you haven’t even reached yet. The only part of her career that actually reminds me that she’s still a teenager is the names of her O.P.I. nail polish collection. She has two shades in the Kardashian Kolors (yup) collection, which are called ‘Wear Something Spar-Kylie’ and ‘Rainbow in the S-Kylie’. Yes girls! Put those on some toes! Thank you for allowing me that brief moment of feeling superior to this teenager before telling me that she’s also appeared on the cover of Teen Vogue. Return of crushing sadness.
And she and Kendall still go to high school, where they’re both cheerleaders. Listen, if someone’s going to be famous, the least their parents can do is pull them out of classes and home-school them so they at least grow up somewhat awkward. That way I can still have a social edge on them by the time we meet in the real world. But right now Kylie’s getting to grow up famous and have a marginally normal adolescence where she gets to be a (presumably) popular cheerleader. That feeling you’re feeling? If you’re anything like me, it’s a combination of scorn, jealousy, and self-pity. Scorn because you’re like, “Oh come on, I was much more interesting and engaging than that at age 15 (no, no you weren’t, you were terrible) I deserved a show way more than she does.” But you didn’t get one, did you? DID YOU?! Don’t lie to me!
Annnnnd cue the self-pity. Happy birthday, Kylie! I’m gonna go eat my feelings.