• Thu, Aug 9 2012

The Top 10 Essentials You Need Before Reading/Re-Reading Fifty Shades Of Grey

Throughout the centuries we’ve been using the genius equation of adding unrelated items together in order to create something bigger.  For example, bread+peanut butter+jelly= the greatest sandwich ever created, the PB+J.

It seems that a few people on the Sainsbury’s marketing team has had a few PB+J’s in their life because they’re applying this ancient equation directly in their stores.  This chain of supermarkets has taken it upon themselves to not only sell Fifty-Shades Of Grey to its large women demographic, but to also conveniently place batteries right above the kiosk. It’s almost as romantic as Christian Grey seducing Anastasia Steele.

Unfortunately, this helpful application of marketing hasn’t hit stateside yet. But don’t fret my mommy-porn lovers, my list below features all the essentials you need in order to have the most pleasurable experience while reading this book.

1. A vibrator.  You’re probably reading this book by your lonesome, so at least something other than yourself will get the job done!

2.  Batteries, obviously.  There are 2 awful situations that can transpire if don’t happen to have any spares on you. A. your vibrator just doesn’t turn on or B. your vibrator turns off mid-climax. Just terrible.

3. Arthritis brace for your wrist.  Chances are you didn’t listen to me about the batteries so you had to work for your happiness. So, no batteries + the over-use of your wrist= carpal tunnel.

4. Scented candles, because you’ll need something that will over-power the smell coming from your husband and kid’s laundry bags.  I wonder if Yankee Candle has a leather scent…

5. Lube for all my older ladies out there!  Don’t be ashamed that you get a little dry down there, it’s science!

6. A mask.  Now, I’m not talking about a blindfold or some sort of cucumber and fruit mixture, I mean a full Halloween mask.  This is perfect for the embarrassed types who can’t afford to hide their shame with a kindle.  No one will have any idea who’s beneath that Snooki mask!

7. Classical music playing softly in the background is a must!  Maybe if you even happen to have some extra cash, you can hire your very own Christian Grey to soothe your soul.

8. White wine.  Anastasia Steele is constantly slugging this stuff back.  Don’t worry about getting the expensive stuff, chances are you’re just going to end up drunk and crying about your non-existent sex life. Cheers!

9. Hire a baby-sitter.  Get the kids out of the house and enjoy yourself.  It’ll also be cheaper than paying for your kids future therapist bills after they find you “reading” this book.

10. An outfit that will release your “inner-goddess”. If it’s boxers, skimpy lingerie or a real Grecian goddess outfit, it doesn’t matter if it makes you feel great!

(Photo:  Jezebel.com)

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  • MalarkeyVicar
  • Lo

    On my list:

    1) A bucket

    2) Antacids

    3) Eyedrops

    4) Overflow bucket

    5) A red pen

    6) Push-button laugh track

    7) Whichever throat lozenges actors use after all that screaming

    8) Hand puppets to act out the more ‘daring’ scenes

    9) 50% cheap whisky, 50% Red Bull (I call it Writer’s Deadline)

    10) Matches