Get psyched, guys! After many long weeks of teaser-ing, TLC’s southern gothic children’s telanovela Here Comes Honey Boo is finally set to premiere tonight! But what with all her made up words and full body spasms, it might be hard for viewers to keep up with Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson. Might I suggest drinking some of her special energy drink to get on her level? Here’s a step-by-step guide to making your very own go-go juice, which is tweaked to meet the nutritional needs of adults.
1 cup Mountain Dew
1 cup Redbull
.5 grams of the blue meth from Breaking Bad
a few bumps of coke (if watching with LiLo)
2 Vyvanses (it’s like designer adderall)
1 Medea-like stage mother
the fear of being stuck in rural Georgia
some shitty trucker speed
1/3 cup Faygo
1 father who has checked out
a pinch of “don’t get pregnant”
the inexplicable, postmodern, Facebook-driven desire to be famous
Mix carefully to get all the lumps out, then drink each time you feel an uncomfortable sense of superiority/exploitation/schadenfreude. WARNNG: May cause cardiac arrest. Drink with a defibrillator handy, preferably one you bought at Walmart using coupons.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo premieres tonight on TLC at 10pm ET!