In exciting news for the rich fantasy life I lead with Charlize Theron, she turns 37 today. While in “reality” I have no idea how she’s celebrating the big 3-7, I know in my heard we’re grabbing lychee martinis at Hollywood hot spots and reminiscing about our vacay (she loves when I abbrev words) to a secret Mexican village that only celebrities know about. Obviously, everyone’s paying attention to us because we can’t stop laughing (her impressions of Sandra Bullock are priceless!) and because she’s beautiful.
So yeah, I might have a slight crush on Charlize Theron. But it’s not a girl crush. It’s something more powerful. It’s like she’s my Regina George and I’m her Cady Heron. I’m entranced by her in the way all beautiful, popular people entrance me. Sure I might sometimes get upset with her for being manipulative and scary, but I’ll always sit down with her and fill out the burn book. Yep, I’ll throw a piece of my crown to her any day of the week, whether she’s in a neck brace or not.
While I don’t want to just dive off the deep end and yell “witchcraft!” at her ability to keep me under her spell, I do want to point out that few actresses delight me like Charlize.
Just look at the way she puts on lipstick. Like she’s on a mission.
Although I’ve never met her in real life and although no interviews have ever led me to the conclusion that she’s a bitch, I just have this feeling that she is one. Not in a horrific “I’ll kill you to get what I want” way. But more of a “I’m better than you in every single way and I don’t have the patience to deal with your nonsense” way. You know?
Like a plastic. Like someone who knows she’s the hottest and the coolest person in the room and she doesn’t really want to have to sit and listen to other people’s stories when hers are so much better.
I mean she’s dating Aaron Samuels — and we’re all dating Amber D’Alessio, the girl who made out with the hot dog. Metaphorically. In real life she’s obviously kicking ass as a single mom to her adorable son Jackson — and we’re obviously doing better than the hot dog eating girl. Right? (Nod your head and say right.)
Just like Regina George, she can do anything and still be loved. Like pull off a brilliant portrayal of the evil queen Raveena in the atrocious mess that was Snow White and the Huntsman, a movie that had me rooting for her to live and Kristen Stewart to die. Which is certainly an odd feeling to be having when you’re watching a fairy tale about the world’s worst stepmother.
And it would be irresponsible not to mention that she’s the reason I attempted to actually like Kristen Stewart. As soon as she endorsed her, I felt obligated to give the girl a chance.
(Remember this was pre-stunt, back in the days when I just found K.Stew to be an angry actress, not a powerful PR sorcerer).
Or like when she shaved her head. When Britney Spears shaved her head, we all acted like her condition was contagious and made fun of her from afar. Behind computer screens and confessional Youtube videos.
When Charlize did it, razor sales went up across America. According to studies, I read. Somewhere on the internet. Or maybe an old copy of TV Guide. Just know that I read studies that confirmed that very fact. Frankly I’d be surprised if iron mines didn’t see a surge in applications after North Country premiered. That’s how powerful I believe Charlize to be.
So yes, it goes without saying that I sent her Edible Arrangement’s most elaborate bouquet for her birthday. And while I don’t expect to get a thank you card (as if Regina George would send one), I can rest assured that she appreciated the gesture — as well as the application I slipped into the basket to be her personal assistant and closest confidante.
(Photo: The Movie Jerk)