• Mon, Aug 6 2012

Now That Robert Pattinson Got Spotted Smiling At A Bar, We Can Take Him Off The Media’s Suicide Watch

Ever since the news broke that Kristen Stewart cheated on her beloved boyfriend Robert Pattinson with the middle-aged Rupert Sanders, the media put R. Patz on suidice watch.

Day after day, stories emerged about the poor young actor struggling to accept that fact that his loving girlfriend cheated on him — and cheated on him in front of a popular tourist destination spot where it seems almost impossible that they wouldn’t be caught. How could she!? And how could she do it when they’re about to start promoting a huge blockbuster film in just a few months?! Now their affair would be all anyone would talk about in the months leading up the movie.

Everyone gathered at candlelight vigils and prayed that this brave young man could make it through this tragedy, that he could see beyond the lens of the paparazzi and live to open up his little vampire eyes another day. That he could find the strength to show up to the premiere of his own movie, Cosmopolis. And that, most importantly, he could go on loving and living and sexing up whoever he likes.

After all, it’s Kristen Stewart who now carries the burden of the scarlet letter, not the heroic Robert Pattinson. He just holds the golden penis of tears and betrayal.

That’s why we’re all so thrilled to see that he finally made it off the premises of Reese Witherspoon’s ranch this weekend and went out to The Deer Lodge bar in Ojai, California. That he threw off his cloak of shame and secrecy and appeared to enjoy himself in the company of other people.

An employee who says he didn’t witness Rob’s rebirth into society, but did want to collect on whatever Radar pays for celebrity tips says:

“I’ve been told by several people that RobertPattinson was here enjoying the music with his friends. He seemed in good sprits,” a Deer Lodge employee, who asked that his name not be used, tells RadarOnline.com. “I wasn’t on that night so I didn’t personally see him, but several others did.”

Good spirits! Wow. Maybe, just maybe if we cross our hearts hard enough, he’ll be in such good spirits that he’ll contact Kristen Stewart and take her back — in a call that will mysteriously got transcribed and distributed to the media.

That’s right, we might soon be entering Act Two of this beautifully scripted love story. Rumor has it that they signed Taylor Lautner to make a cameo any day now.

(Photo: Gossip Teen)

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  • peony

    i luv the view you’ve taken on the entire farce.I still feel Kristen is bearing the brunt of this stupid pr stunt.That wimp Robert should have shown her some sort of support.They staged this stupid stunt to end their fake Robsten love drama .

  • yaxley

    this is the worst written article i have ever read. how are you a journalist

    • Jenni Maier

      Um, because I’m not a journalist. If you read Crushable regularly, you would know I’m a short order cook at Sbarro who uses the mall’s free WiFi to update this site on a regular basis.

  • Jon

    why are you so smug about this whole thing? i just don’t get it

  • Dawn

    Jenni, I do believe we are the only two people on the planet that have seen through this whole charade! Love your articles. I just wish the rest of the world would wake up and smell the ginormous stinky turd dangling right in front of their noses.

    • Dawn

      FYI, this was debunked by gossipcop. the owner came forward and said he was never there. If he was somebody would have taken atleast one photo. Conviently every cast memeber in this live action movie we are all watching are still MIA.

  • O

    Lmao! Jenny maier, that lady is too funny! In this all crazy drama, if people would just sit back,relax and put their pitchforks away, you could see that this us EXACTLY how this situation is being portrayed lol. Like a bad soap opera that doesn’t end.lol. Im not saying or sticking up for what kristen did but seriously, you people need to chill out. With all this “kristen needs to pay for her sins” crap & all this “she a terrible excuse of a human being” bs &all the,rest of the HATE. She did what she did, SHE is the one who is paying for her stupid decisions NOT YOU.lol I know, it’s because all of the “perfect & moral” people NEED to her to know she is hated and that she is a terrible person. As well as that kristen needs to know that she is nothing. And that she needs to know how much you hate her, what she did. Stop all your cackling behind your computers please.Before you know it, Rob will have some hot A-list actress in his company, and will be smiling and happy. Then you will all rejoice by throwing flowers at his feet and crowning
    Prince Rpatz his new princess again…lol All will be good in the kingdom again, and we can all breath easy again. While the evil, powerful Kristen will be no more. Lol

  • Hermione Granger

    I like the way you wrote the story dramatically here… Twilight meets Harry Potter. Has Robert been borrowing Daniel’s stuff lately? Hmm… The first time I read your articles, I still kinda believed that this tragedy was real. Then after I dug up more stories, I found one article saying that Rob is a pushover as he left his own house after he heard about the cheating. He should have kicked Kristen out instead of running away (and sleeping in the Uhaul truck – good one comment!). Rob indeed sounds melodramatic. We felt so fast for Rob (beauty gives you a lot of opportunities, seriously!) without thinking about the logic of his actions. I really wonder how this story would end…

  • hardly home

    Best part of this story is that it’s not even true. The bar owner said he didn’t even know who he was and that he hadn’t heard he was there lmao. Another twist is the “plot.”

  • lizzy

    it’s turning into Elvis sightings… when will this charade end?! Did anyone see that headline during the week saying she had driven a “steak through his heart”…yes, a “steak” which I guess is a bad thing…perhaps he’s a vegetarian?

    • Jenni Maier

      That’s like the Radar article that said girls at this bar were literally dancing on the floor. As opposed to figuratively dancing on the floor. Which I’ve heard is a very popular kind of dancing on the west coast.

  • Nena

    I love reading your stuff! Again u nailed it, people want their 5 min of fame even if it’s a lie or not witnessed by them. I think it’s interesting that Sienna Miller who cheated with 2 married men Jude Law and Balthazar Getty. She just had a baby with Tom Sturridge who actually is one of Robs best friends. Maybe they will have a part in this movie.

    • Jenni Maier

      Like some kind of wonderful cheater’s club? I’m picture First Wives Club, but more nudity.

  • hardly home

    I’ve said this already, but I really, REALLY like your take on this. PLEASE keep it coming! All seriousness though, how much longer do you think they’ll play this out? Both Rob and Kristen have to present at the VMA’s next month. I’m assuming everything will be fine by then. What do you think?

    • Jenni Maier

      Ha, thanks! I’ve never been more fascinated by a PR stunt in my life. I originally though they’d keep this going until the early fall. But now they’re leaking so many stories every day, that they can’t keep it up much longer — or the press will stop writing about it. A triumphant walk down the red carpet at the VMAs hand-in-hand would certainly be fabulous for photos.

  • lizzy

    Jenni – why Good Morning America? Any thoughts on that? I notice they have the 1st interview with Sylvester Stallone on Thursday…and Robin Roberts was supposed to be back briefly mid August before her treatment…it’s an interesting choice of shows for a 1st appearance…..

    • Jenni Maier

      Because they’ll go extra soft on him and build him up as a tragic hero, just in time for the premiere of Cosmopolis.

  • Dawn

    Maybe he picked Good Morning America for the big reveal! jenni is right they can’t keep it up much longer.