Let me paint you a picture. You go to sleep in your own bed after a long day at work, and you come to in Olympic Village, surrounded by the sounds of vigorous Olympic sex. Don’t panic. I know it’s tempting to run around like you’re at an all-you-can-sex buffet, but you have to finesse this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’d have a great time with every single person there, but if you think like that, you’ll get overwhelmed and squander this opportunity.
Instead you have to think rationally, and seek out the exact right type of athlete for you. And yeah, you heard me right, I’m talking about a specific type of athlete, not a specific person. You don’t want to go name-brand on this, or you’ll be waiting around all day and, again, squander this opportunity. It’s like the rides at Disneyland — do you want to wait in line all day for Splash Mountain (Ryan Lochte), or do you want to go on a generic log ride that’s still gonna get your rocks off? (Yeah, you like that metaphor? Good. I thought you might.)
Your goal is to figure out exactly what you want sex-wise, and then analyze the specific traits that certain groups of athletes excel at, and then quickly locate one of those athletes for some gold-medal sex. But you also don’t know how long your dream is going to last, so you have to go in prepared. That’s why we’ve created this gallery to help you out. It breaks it down into the 10 Best Olympians To Have Sex With, Depending On What You Want. So bone up (pun intended), pick one out, and then get to snoozing, because trust me, making yourself have a sex dream about an Olympian requires patience and dedication. Kind of like qualifying for the Olympics.