While I ate skittles for breakfast this morning, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt – known to everyone as the world’s fastest runner –beat an Olympic record by running the 100-m in 9.63 seconds. As in one second he lined up to run a race and 9.63 seconds later he won a gold medal for being superhuman. Which I think we can all agree falls under the “I’m impressed, seriously, no sarcasm” category.
A category I usually reserve for celebrity children who opt to go to college for four full years and animals who can waterski.
The race got me thinking about things that I can do in 9.63 seconds. Sure I might not be able to run 100-m race in 9.63 seconds, but I can still do lots of stuff.
1. Press snooze on my alarm clock while simultaneously trying to figure out what day of the week it is.
2. Facebook stalk 30% of my nursery school frenemies.
3. Figure out if I’ve already seen the episode of Law & Order:SVU that I have saved on my DVR.
4. Rehash every mistake I’ve made in previous relationships.
6. Use the word literally incorrectly.
7. Debate stuffing my bra.
8. Google my medical symptoms and realize I’m pregnant — that I also have a brain tumor.
9. Get the chorus to a mysterious song stuck in my head. Except with the wrong words, so it’s impossible to find.
.63 Sell my soul to the devil for a chance to be as a millionth as athletic as an Olympain.