Were you looking for a way to be less attracted to Olympic athletes? Because here’s one now! Gold-medalist swimmer guy Ryan Lochte just admitted during an interview that he peed in the Olympic pool. You can’t see me, but I’m making my ‘disappointed’ face right now. Ryan was being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest on-air, and when he was asked if swimmers ever pee in the pool, Ryan Lochte said, “Of course. We always do. Not during the races, but I sure did before in warm up.” Oh okay, as long as it’s not during the — wait what?! You’re peeing in the pool during your warm-up, Ryan Lochte? And then swimming through it to victory? I don’t even want your pee-medal, now. You’ve tainted America’s medal count with your (drug-free!) Olympian urine.
Why are you telling us this? You guys are supposed to be better and more disciplined than us! In every facet of life! That’s why you get to go to the Olympics! Because you don’t do all the lazy things I do like order delivery from a restaurant thirty seconds away from me, spend the majority of my day pants-less…and pee in swimming pools. While I was doing all those things today (to be fair, I have not yet peed in a swimming pool today, but only because I have not gone swimming), you guys were working out and being impressive and winning acclaim for our great nation. That’s why I don’t get to go to London to compete, and you do.
Luckily, Ryan has some choice words to explain his actions:
“There’s something about getting into chlorine water that you just automatically go.”
Oh, okay, awesome. As long as it’s for a good reason. But seriously. Couldn’t you go beforehand? Didn’t you know you were gonna be in the pool? I did. I knew you were going to be in the pool. They have a whole schedule posted on the internet that tells me who will be in which pool and which things they will be doing there. You can look at it if you want, Ryan Lochte, so you and the other 949 swimmers in London can time your bathroom schedules better and stop swan-diving into each others’ urine baths. Just a hot tip from a fellow Olympian. I watch the Olympics, so I think it’s fair to call myself that.