The Kristen Stewart cheating scandal is well on its way to being the main entertainment news story for three straight weeks, which is the most weeks a single entertainment news story has received coverage since Tom Cruise stabbed David Beckham with his penis. I believe that’s what that story was all about.
It’s no wonder the KStew scandal continues to captivate: Each passing day brings something more scintillating. First, my fellow Crushable writer Jenni Maier speculated the whole thing is a massive PR stunt. Then, we find out Rob is staying at Reese Witherspoon’s vacation house and Kristen is being consoled by Jodie Foster. Both of those instances are pointed reminders that if you want a celebrity to hug you, cheat on someone or be cheated on. Maybe if I got a girlfriend, I could cheat on her and finally get a hug from Scarlett Johansson.
There is, however, at least one Hollywood relationship going strong. I am, of course, referring to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher.
Upon first glance, it wouldn’t appear that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s relationship has anything to do with Kristen’s current predicament. You could argue that Mila and Ashton are rubbing it in Rob and Kristen’s faces by having a fictional relationship that’s working in real life. But there’s no basis in speculating that Mila and Ashton are only dating to make fun of Robsten.
On the other hand, I’d like to speculate that Kristen’s affair has a lot to do with Mila Kunis. It’s perfectly clear to me that she cheated on Robert Pattinson to win a role as Anastasia Steele in the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. I know you’re saying, “That’s not true. You just made that up.” And you are right, I did just make that up. But the idea is so crazy that it might just be dead-on.
Let’s look at the facts. Earlier this year, Mila trounced Kristen in Esquire‘s hottest woman in 2012 poll, and recently, an EntertainmentWise poll found that Mila is edging out Kristen to actually play Anastasia. In an effort to make herself seem like more of a seductress, she cheats on Robert Pattinson, which causes anybody thinking of Anastasia to also think of Kristen Stewart. If you don’t believe me, let’s follow the logic-chain: Anastasia to fictional sexpot to real-life sexpot to current Hollywood sex scandals to Kristen Stewart. It’s an ironclad link, which of course Kristen realized weeks ago when she was falling behind Mila for the role of a lifetime.
And if I’m a studio exec, am I choosing the girl who’s dating the guy she dated on That 70s Show, or am I choosing the girl who ruined the most important relationship in her life for this role? If I’m a studio exec, I’m choosing neither. I’m going with Meryl Streep. She’d still be the best.
Photo: MTV News