“Like 10% is so smart and awesome and full of great quirky blogs, and then 90% is the diary of a teenager.” – Jenni Maier
In my burgeoning begrudging relationship with Tumblr, I have come to find that this description could not be more apt. I haven’t found too many quirky awesome blogs yet, but my roommates and I do enjoy My Pink Cloud when we’re in the mood for pictures of naked people that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, if that counts? (Just don’t go poking around in the notes though. Unless… well you know.)
One of my main problems with Tumblr is the gratuitous slaughter of the English language, but another crucial issue is that scrolling through my darn Dashboard makes me more confused about my life than I’ve ever been. I can’t possibly imagine more mixed messages coming from one source — albeit a collection of sources, but one venue at least. He loves me, he doesn’t love me, I need to lose weight, I’m perfect just the way I am, true love doesn’t exist, LOVE IS ALL THERE IS! Honestly, it’s exhausting. So I rounded up all the inconsistencies — maybe we can figure this out together.
What Women Want
“It’s beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind. Someone that wants to undress your conscience and make love to your thoughts. Someone that wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you’ve built up around your mind and let them inside.” -republicj
Okay, that seems fairly reasonable and somewhat poetic. (I don’t think he wrote it.)
“As much as I love my boyfriend, a huge part of me wants to be single right now. I don’t know how these feelings suddenly surfaced. A part of me wants comfort, familiarity, love and affection. Another part of me wants freedom, the single life, the ability to look around, date other people and just enjoy my life. I feel like hes holding me down… but I can’t bring myself to break up with him… he’s so vulnerable and fragile…” -jes0urirai
Okay…so even the people in relationships aren’t completely content. Should I be questioning my relationship too?
“I just need some companionship. Someone to call at 11 at night to say hey, lets grab some food and watch crappy TV then maybe you’ll let me rub your tummy until I fall asleep.” -ifyouckb
Argument settled. You don’t need a man to love you forever, you don’t need a life partner, or even to enjoy being single. For the love of God all you need is a human stomach to rub while you fall asleep.
Does Love Exist?
“Does love even exist? Because quite frankly no one ever shows it.”
Never? That seems extreme.
“I don’t just love you, I absolutely truly adore you!” -j-wolf-harding
This guy seems to be showing it…or maybe it’s all an illusion…
“You know, love is like the greatest thing to feel ever, so why don’t we all just do that? Feel love. And stuff. Okay? Okay.”
Okay, geez stop bossing me around
What Happens When You Get Drunk
“i do my best blogging when i’m drunk.” -subourbonlife
That doesn’t sound so bad.
“WHY DO PEOPLE ENJOY GETTING SHIT FACED? I drank a little too much last night and had a puke fest alllllllllllll damn night. Do you know what the scariest feeling ever is? Throwing up so much you can’t breathe. IT’S LIKE YOUR DROWNING And then today’s hangover was just the worst. i feel like i never want to drink again. i don’t understand why people put themselves through this over and over again AND NOW IM SO HUNGRY, I JUST WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE” -spitfirerenegade
That sounds like a nightmare.
“My friend and i got drunk. there was a hot wax pot from our eye brow waxing. she’s a cosmetologist. i now am pube free. && we are best friends for life now.” -splifferz
“Yes, girls and guys can just be friends. Don’t listen to them because they obviously don’t know what they’re talking about. Although its really common to develop feelings for your best friend of the opposite gender, not all people do! A guy and a girl can just be friends without having feelings for each other. You shouldn’t have to be awkward around your best friend!” -express-and-confess
I am a firm believer that this is 100% bullshit. For all of you thinking I’m full of shit, think of the most platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex you’ve ever had. You can tell me that neither of you have ever thought “Hmm…maybe we could work together,” “What if we just hooked up once,” or even “Damn, when she jokingly puts her leg on mine like that…” COME ON PEOPLE. Face the facts.
“Ever hear someone say ‘I married my best friend’? That’s because the strongest relationships are founded on deep friendship. If you’re having trouble finding Mr. Right, maybe that’s because you put him in the ‘Friend’ category.”
You know it bro. Hey, I can take a side if I want — I run this show.
Tumblr Relationships / What Tumblr Is For
“i feel like tumblr not only connects me with randoms, but with people who are dear to me in real life too. most of these people i don’t see much but i love them all the same and we will always reblog each others shit mhmmm.”
Okay wait so, Tumblr connects you to random people, but also your real friends, but real friends that you don’t see very much, but you love both them and the randos the same, and reblogging is the equivalent of loving someone. No wait, that one wasn’t confusing.
“That no matter what you know I’ll be here for you. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care if we talk everyday or if we have never talked before, if you need someone to talk to, about anything I’ll be here. If you feel like you don’t have a friend in the world, know that I’m here and I’m just waiting to be your friend.” -ariisjusteasier
This is actually a very well-intentioned post, but I just don’t think a random teenage girl you chat with online is going to help with serious psychological problems. Maybe not, who am I to say. In any case, this makes me this Tumblr is like life support.
“Tumblr was cool when I was 15, but then it got discovered and is now just full of hipsters who self-medicate on Ambien because they’re so oppressed.” -ratheart
Tumblr is for oppressed self-medicating hipsters. Fight oppression like you fight insomnia baby. Power to the people.
“Indeed… Good friends will always help you once they’re done laughing #Friendship” -queensizedflava
“Every now and then I have this feeling that if I ever decide to stop talking to some of my “friends” I would never even get a text from them. They’d just let the friendship die out.” -lovemusicmatter
Uh oh, sometimes friendships don’t last forever? And it’s always the other person’s fault.
“Sometimes lives drift apart, distance reveals reality, and you realize you both were never really friends. It’s not like there is animosity and you wouldn’t call them an enemy. You just see it as it really is.” -jspark3000
If a friendship doesn’t last forever, it never existed.
“Both of my childhood best friends became super attractive with great lives and super attractive boyfriends and what did I become? A fucking potato. THREE MUSKETEERS MY ASS.” -keepitsafeandslow
Friendship eventually makes you bitter.
“you know when your friendship is over when you don’t want to tell them your problems its not bcos they’ll judge, it’s bcos it’s a waste to let someone know your personal life when they dont make the effort to be apart of it. #truestory” -celinasssss
Honest to God, I thought it was an acronym.
“im gunna die of heat next week D:” -tdwp-petri
“hey girls, did you know, your boobs, are AWESOME. ” -goodgirlslikethatliketosin
Boobs are awesome!
“8008 views on my page, it says ‘BOOB’ LOOL” -cameraskatebikelove
“Bleugh! I dislike weddings, and hope to never get married!!!” -hiddenwonders
Oh yeah, the pretty dress, the cake, the love, the dancing — weddings suck!
“i might be wrong, but i feel like most people just marry the first person who asks. i’m not trying to give myself any sort of authority here, because who the hell am i to judge other peoples’ romantic lives? i don’t know shit.” -furiousseasons
Whoa whoa whoa… I thought these people were authority figures!!! This whole article is pointless!!! (Spoiler alert)
“Today I got engaged. Everyone else was doing it. Whirlwind romances always work out, right” -moscowisburning
Hm…maybe furiousseasons actually is an expert. After all, her page does say “too strung out to be cool.”
What Are Mondays For?
“Monday Check-In: Obsessing over: needing a vacation. Seriously, work has consumed my life. I’m barely making time to make posts on here.” -sherryjanssen
Typical. SherryJanssen, I get you.
“You hate Mondays? But that’s so mainstream.” -the-punk-in-you
Well sorry I’ve offended you. Luckily, I think the extent of punk in me is that I occasionally wear ripped jeans.
“Mondays are my resting days. My mind and body relax after whatever activities occurred during the weekend have ended. I’m a vegetable, a lovely human vegetable. I read poetry or whatever book has my interested captured, I give my face homemade facials to rest the skin after abusing it with clown white and other theatrical products, I bake cupcakes, I sit outside watching the sun color the trees in my backyard, and I surf… the web. In short, I do anything that can be done while still wearing pajamas.” -viewfromthemoon
Who the…can I have no school or jobs also?
“Masturbate Mondays!” -the-punk-in-you
This is new. I could dig it.
“Best part of my Monday mornings is getting on tumblr as soon as I get to work and scroll through the posts I’ve missed over the weekend. Mondays become less depressing after that.” -sboardgirl
Monday is for Tumblr, and getting more confused about my life. I couldn’t think of a more revitalizing start to the week.
”Education is our key to success!” -no-wonder-land
“alright how stoned do i look ? Gots to go to class ! later.” -g0ing-thru-changes
Kids, being stoned actually helps you concentrate in class.
“When we’re young all we want is to be older. But when we finally understand the meaning of what it means to be grown up, it’s too late to change our minds and revert back to the easier days of childhood.” -themendingwall
Trust me mendingwall, I spend about 80% of my days wishing I was five. And I’m only 20.
“Childhood is so closed-off and institutionalized. It is a prison.” -TheAtlantic
Um…I…guess I played in a plastic castle? No I really have no idea. I need to block this out and never think about it again. (Notice this is the only semi-legitimate source on this list.)
“Society effed up. Doesn’t mean you have to do so too.” -daviddelrosario
Sing it sister — Just because society effed up doesn’t mean you have to “effed up” too. I didn’t know effed up was a verb (see gratuitous slaughter of the English language), but maybe, just maybe, Tumblr has something to teach us. Maybe, it’s a bunch of oppressed hipsters falling asleep from the Ambien. And maybe, it’s people, well-meaning or self-promoting, longing to be poets or longing to be celebrities, and acting much deeper and smarter than they actually are.