It’s always nice to find out a certain type of actor is a weird, smart and funny person IRL, and doesn’t just play one on TV. For instance, I’ve always been sort of suspicious that Jesse EisenbergÂ stops stuttering and behaves like Neil Patrick Harris in Harold and Kumar Go To White CastleÂ in his spare time, and maybe he does, but he also writes a hilarious column for McSweeney‘s called “Bream Gives Me Hiccups: Restaurant Reviews From A Privileged Nine-Year-Old,” so it’s okay.
In this series, Jesse’s fictional protagonist goes around to different restaurants with his bitter, sarcastic, alcoholic mother trying and evaluating various foodstuffs. Sometimes his “best friend” Matthew goes along for the ride, and we get to see his horrible mother insinuate that her son could be turning out gay, and that that’s a bad thing. Witness, for example, the latest installment, “TCBY,” in which mom takes the boys for a bit of frozen yogurt:
Matthew ordered a Mountain Blackberry Yogurt. He said that he got it because itâ€™s the most interesting color, which is a kind of light purple, but which Matthew called â€śMauve.â€ť â€śMauveâ€ť is a word I never heard before and hearing new words is one of the reasons I like Matthew. When I asked why he didnâ€™t get the flavor he liked the most, he said he thought that all the flavors probably tasted the same and so it was best to get something that was â€śpretty to look at.â€ť Mom rolled her eyes two times: when Matthew said â€śMauveâ€ť and when Matthew said â€śpretty to look at.â€ť
The woman behind the counter asked Matthew what he wanted for toppings and he said Blueberries and Cherries. And then the woman said, â€śYou just want two fruits?â€ť Then Mom said, â€śYup! Two fruits for my two little fruits!â€ť And then Mom laughed in a cackling way that made everyone uncomfortable. When Mom finally stopped laughing, she said, â€śSorry, I just couldnâ€™t help myself,â€ť and then we felt uncomfortable again.
When the woman asked me what I wanted, I decided to get the same thing as Matthew because he thought about his order in such an interesting way.
Mom ordered a cup of Dutch Chocolate Yogurt and asked if the chocolate was really shipped in from the Netherlands. The girl said she didnâ€™t know but that she could check. Then Mom told her not to bother and said that sheâ€™ll get a cup of Dutch Chocolate because itâ€™s â€śso decadent.â€ť But I could tell by the way that Mom asked about the Netherlands and how she said â€śso decadentâ€ť that she was making fun ofÂ TCBYÂ for being not fancy but the girl behind the counter didnâ€™t know Momâ€™s sense of humor so she said something real like, â€śitâ€™s one of our classic flavors.â€ť And Mom said, â€śOh, it sounds like a real classic.â€ť
I love the way Jesse reveals his character’s feelings towards his mother, which are fairly realistic for a precocious nine-year-old just starting to realize what a messed up person his mom is. The real star of the show, though, is the mom, whose nasty lines of dialogue are funny because they’re so very inappropriate. Much like the “You Suck At Photoshop” series, this column is great because it’s not really about restaurants at all, but a dysfunctional family, as told through the eyes of a bright and innocent little boy.Â I can’t wait until this series gets made into a movie by Wes Anderson. (Seriously, go here and read them all because they are brilliant.)
(Via The New York Observer)
Photo:Â Joseph Marzullo/WENN.com