Anyone who’s ever wanted to pimp slap Justin Bieber in his smug little face will very much enjoy the music video for “As Long As You Love Me” (feat. Big Sean), which, contrary to its title, is not a Backstreet Boys cover.
This video scratches so many Bieber related itches that I’m pretty sure they did market research to try to make its appeal as wide as possible. It opens with the Biebs confronting his girlfriend’s creepy, overprotective dad, who has dressed up like Tony Soprano on vacation to tell him “someday I have to let go her, but when I do, she needs to be with a man, not a boy, which you are.” That’s right, Justin is just not sexually threatening enough to date his daughter. What?
Justin raises a single dramatic eyebrow and purrs “I love her,” beginning the epic non-battle. As expected, Justin and the girl run away together for long enough to act out the enough sexy scenes that will make the beliebers happy/horny. But there’s a twist! (SPOILER ALERT.) Angry dad finds out where they are hiding, and stands in for pretty much all grownups everywhere when he punches young Justin until he is bleeding and crying. It’s almost too good to be true.
It’s hard to imagine that the J-Biebs management is not in on the joke here, but this video is so absurdly satisfying that I don’t even care. I really think they’re onto something here. Maybe next time they’ll think up an excuse to throw him in the UFC ring.