Just got an urgent email from Us Weekly with the subject line: Kristen Stewart Admits Entire Affair Concocted By E.L James During A 2003 Twilight Fan Fiction Contest. Just kidding. The email just informed me that all of Kristen Stewart’s steamy photos from her day of indiscretion on Robert Pattinson with the very married Rupert Sanders could now by found online. I urgently clicked. After all, I have a thing for staged-director-actress nude pics. But to my dismay all the photos were G-rated. Like these could have come from the cutting room floor of Cars 2.
Out of 15 photos from a day when Us Weekly claimed to follow them all over Hollywood, there was only one of them kissing. The other 14 just included awkward poses that I assume actors make during their first day of acting school.
“Now, look like you love each other. Good, good. Now pretend she’s suffering from scoliosis and she wants you to embrace her from behind! EXCELLENT. A+ work Miss. Stewart!”
Like seriously, Us Weekly’s trying to tell me that a car tailed them all day through Hollywood and the loving couple didn’t even notice.
That afternoon, the unlikely duo cruised around L.A. with one agenda: to find secluded places to make out. As revealed in shocking photos exclusive to Us Weekly, Stewart and Sanders were “kissing like crazy.” Together in the car, parked in a rundown neighborhood on the west side of town, “Kristen was sitting with her back up against that driver’s-side window, and this guy was kissing her entire body,” the witness adds.
Either these photographers lived in the trees like the lost boys from Neverland (RUFIO!) or Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders saw them and posed. Anyways, I’m moving on from this publicity stunt update to discuss K.Stew’s costume choices during her infamous-yet-silly flirtation with Rupert Sanders.
What was she thinking and what was she trying to convey to the audience with this disheveled college freshman outfit. The last time I saw someone wear this combination of clothes in public was when my friend woke up 5 minutes before brunch ended in the dining hall on a Saturday morning — and he had no time to change. A baggy tank top, baggy sweats, some kind of pant below the sweats, sneakers, fluorescent bra. What does it all mean and why did she wear it out of the house?
At least Rupert looked casual-affair in his jeans and jacket. (Casual-Affair is only second to black-tie casual on wedding invites.)
Okay back to the publicity stunt. This outfit proves without a doubt that this entire affair is staged. What harlot homewrecker would wear this out during a day of seduction with her married lover? There’s no part of this that screams “sex appeal to me.” Or even “appeal.” Unless of course Rupert’s really into this “shorts/pants under pants” look.
If so, he should probably meet the Duggars. I think they have the same double-pant policy. Also they l-o-v-e publicity, so I’m sure they’d be down for a stunt or two.
(Photos: Us Weekly)